


Three's A Charm

by PurpleMarmalade



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Drabble Collection, Drabbles, First Love, First Meetings, Heart Break, M/M, Pining, teenage love, the early days
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:15:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 28,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28039794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurpleMarmalade/pseuds/PurpleMarmalade
Summary: A collection of drabbles from my story "Yes, You Are Enough" featuring John, Alex and Lafayette as a poly couple. Some of these drabbles were originally in the story but I have taken them out and I have given them a home of their own here.Some of the short stories feature the boys in their early days, some are recent and some are taking place in the future. So stay hyped for more!
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens/Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short drabble on how both Lafayette and Alex met back in the day. No John, sadly. He's still in diapers, playing in his sandpit absorbing that gorgeous South Carolinan sun and learning colours.
> 
> Alex and Lafayette are just starting out. It's 1998, it's cold and dark in the city. It's a friday night and both of them have no idea who or where they'll be.
> 
> Nor do they know what Alex getting into a fight, beat up at a bar is probably, the best thing, that has ever happened to him.

**September 1998**

Lafayette's heart is thundering in his chest when he's finally sat down there on the park bench he'd found. He could still hear the ending of the song 'Nutin But A 'G' Thang' before 'Who Shot Ya' blasted off faintly from the shady pink neon lights of the doors from nearest bar club the way.

His mind was spinning, his ears were still fuzzy with a mild case of titus ringing in each of them from all the chaos of the bar fight. He lies back, exhaling loudly and gathering himself for a moment. He just needed a second to catch his breath and grab hold of his surroundings. Lafayette had no idea where he even was or which part of the city they were in.

He couldn't find his roommate either, the last thing Lafayette even remembered was dragging some guy up from the floor and shoving out someone who was about to knock his brains out with their foot. Lafayette had shouted for his roommate, quickly and they all fled out of there. Avoiding all the chairs being thrown, glasses and swinging punches. 

Lafayette would have never gotten into this mess alone, he would've never stepped into a bar like that on his on accord. Absolutely not, it wasn't his scene. He was a quiet person, he was a good kid, kept to himself. He wasn't into fighting and getting into trouble.

Still. 

That reminded him.

Lafayette shifted his eyes over to whoever it was he had saved from ending up in hospital tonight. He's catching his breath still as he does, holding his stomach and closing his eyes for a moment. He had to bask it all in. When he opens them again, Lafayette is met with two big brown puppy dog eyes staring right back at him.

A guy, who looked near his age. He looked kind of caucasian, although Lafayette noticed the tinge of olive mingled in his skin tone under the street light. Lafayette assumed he was probably latino. 

But even with his bloodied nose, sore swollen eye and emerging bruises, he looked most definitely handsome, there was no doubt about it, noticing this stranger's beauty made Lafayette's breath hitch right there in his throat.

He always did this.

Lafayette cursed himself, he hated how awkward he could be sometimes and how he found it difficult to talk to pretty people. Men or women, it didn't matter. Lafayette batted for both teams, he saw grace and beauty in everyone. All genders, he was a fairly open minded person. Nothing usually bothered him, well, unless it came down to dress-sense. Then that was a whole other issue right there.

The second thing Lafayette noticed was the blood dripping down this guy's nose, his eye was fairly bruised too and his top was all rustled up, partly wet too. Lafayette could smell the beer from it ooze up his nose and Lafayette grimaced at the smell.

Lafayette didn't really know what to say, he bat his lashes at him, he knew he was probably pulling some weird puzzled face and staring like an idiot at whoever this was. He couldn't speak, Lafayette tried to move his mouth and he couldn't. He was so bad with people!

Then this guy suddenly burst out into a smile, it was more of a lopsided one. A bit playful and sincere all in one strange mix. But it looked nice among the small amount of stubble he had growing. Peach fuzz and he couldn't even grow it.

He rakes a hand through his long dark brown locks, they were extremely long, a little wavy, dark brown. Gorgeous. He ruffled it at the top and tucked a loose part behind his ear. That's when Lafayette notices the pile of piercings along his ear, from the lobe to the top, along it and even on the carnage tiny part. It looked pretty painful.

Lafayette gaped like a goldfish which only caused this guy to finally and finally he sits up properly, wipes his nose with his hand and then speaks, "So, do we just excuse the bullshit and skip to the formalities by any chance?" He asked Lafayette.

His voice.

Oh, Lafayette liked it.

As nasal as it was, it was unique, warm, it held a lot of character to it and just by looking at this guy, Lafayette knew automatically whoever he was. He was a character and a wild one at that.

This guy nudged into him gently with his shoulder, he kept his cheeky smile and said, "Alexander" He tells Lafayette. "Alexander Hamilton, you got a name?"

This Alexander, he even had his tongue pierced too.

Ooh.

"Or you can just say 'Lex - actually no, skip that" Alex babbled out, it seemed he was a chatterbox.

Because for the next couple of minutes all Lafayette got back in return was chatter. Nothing but chatter off this oddly, charming, quirky stranger. "Like I've been around the block, raised all over the place and the kids used to call me that in care."

Lafayette stared at him, baffled by him but mostly he was captivated by him.

He was gorgeous.

Lafayette was so into him.

"I hated that growing up! That's all they'd call me, y'know? It was either 'Lexi' or 'Lex' like a fucking dog, you believe that?" Alex added, scoffing. Almost looking in disbelief despite it being his own experience.

"They were such fuckers actually, good kids though. Well, actually, there was one kid, Mikey Rodriguez, I had to beat his ass down a few times because he was always up in my face. See?" Alex lifts his hand to Lafayette's face, although Lafayette had no idea what he was looking at. He looks to Alex in confusion.

"Even got the scar to prove it! Sure, ugly motherfucker may have had like two or three years on me, a little bigger and fatter, but that didn't mean shit! Had the kid on the floor, crying, bloody nose and I ended up with a busted rib." Alex snickered a little to himself, shaking his head at the memory.

"My foster mom at the time freaked the fuck out, I was unruly as hell. Like they had no idea how to tame me? They called me 'Little lion' for short after that." Alex grinned at him proudly. "They were actually thinking of sending me to juvy, y'know?"

Warmth filled Lafayette's stomach as he continued to stare at him. Alex remained chatting away.

"I mean, sure, my foster pops and mom would say my full name. Obviously. But we don't really keep in touch anymore, y'know? Damn, come to think of it, I haven't heard from them in like over _three_ months, shit. I should call em' tomorrow. I owe them like a couple of hundred dollars - shit."

Alex tapped at his chin in thought during his ramblings, staring into space. Lafayette was left blushing, he couldn't stop staring at this guy. Jesus.

He was so into him.

Then Alex turns to him and randomly added, "But like every time I try and call, it rings out. You think I should just star sixty-nine them?"

Lafayette was stammering as he tried to speak, he hated his mild stammer. It had made his childhood such a nightmare, other kids making fun of him and some of his cousins even. It wasn't his fault he had been such a timid child.

"Nah" Alex said with a shrug to himself. "I'll just turn up, I mean they do mind, sorta. I hope they answer the door this time though. But it's such a trek getting over there..." Alex ended sighing.

Although France had changed a lot in the eighties, Lafayette did still go through periods of backlash about his race. Being biracial in a rich aristocratic family wasn't always easy. Especially since some of his uncles snubbed him simply for what he looked like.

"So -" And Alex is devilishly drifting his eyes to Lafayette once more, now that he had finished talking to himself. He grinned and Lafayette's stomach flip-flopped. "You got a name?"

Due to that, Lafayette had grown up wondering if something was wrong with him. But people told him, never to listen and they had questioned him when he had decided to study in America. Probably the worst place for him to go when Lafayette already struggled with identity issues.

But New York was different, it was open, free, you could be who you wanted to be. All kinds of people from all over the planet fought to come here, settle down and anchor their culture into the city, sparking it up with what they knew, left their fingerprints marked all around and lit a beacon for other people around the world to join them.

Embrace one another, lift and enlighten one another. Lafayette had always been drawn to New York simply for this particular reason.

"Laf-" Lafayette stuttered out. "Lafayette - uh-"

"Laf-ay-ette?" Alex spelled out. "You mean like the street?" 

"Yes" Lafayette confirmed. "Well, actually, it is Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette" The look of Alex's face caused Lafayette to squirm in his seat. He knew that look, the same one people always gave him whenever he told them his name. His full name.

Now Lafayette cursed himself, he wished he had just kept his mouth shut. 

Alex's lips curl and he's giggling. "Jesus fucking christ! Your folks weren't bored after labour, huh?" Lafayette scoffed at this remark. "Damn, right, okay. Okay, help me out here, which name am I _supposed_ to be using?" 

Lafayette rolled his eyes. "Funny" He muttered. 

And Alex is nudging him playfully. "I'm just kidding around, alright, then, Lafayette." Alex leans over close to him, smiles galore and he's budging him again with his shoulder. "Right, kay, well imma call you Laf" 

Lafayette's head whipped at him. He's frowning. "Excuse me?"

"Yeah" Alex said, shrugging. "Laf? For short? You not like it?"

Well, it wasn't awful. Lafayette crossed his arms and he hummed. 

It could grow on him.

Alex shifted slightly so that he was facing Lafayette properly there. Alex hummed in interest, a spark there in his dark, big brown puppy eyes.

Alex leaned forward once more and drummed his fingers on Lafayette's knee. Lafayette could feel them against the ripped slits of his tight jeans, even though it was such a small teasing touch. It sent electrifying shoot of something Lafayette couldn't really describe. It got him giddy, he felt his stomach rumble with bursting butterflies and his heart went twice as fast.

"Lafayette" Alex repeated, slowly, his eyes never once leaving Lafayette's. They had this small war of eye contact with one another, neither of them wanted to surrender. Lafayette knew he was drawn to Alex, he wanted to know more about this young man he had saved. Alex seemed fairly interested in himself too.

Then what surprised Lafayette the most out of everything that had happened tonight is when Alex licked his lips, smiling and uttered out,

Well, shit.

Lafayette sat there with his mouth hanging open not far short. Alex stifled out a chuckle as he did.

"Say, you wanna talk and walk?"

Why did that question sound so, so mischievous? Lafayette thought.

For a moment the only thing Lafayette could do was stare at Alex.

Alex cocked his head a little, his smirk emerged and there's a twinkle in his eyes.

"What you say?" Alex asked once more.

He sounded very alluring right now. 

Lafayette could only stare into those eyes. 

All Lafayette could do was nod.

So they got walking and talking for the majority of the night. Lafayette learnt a ton about Alex and most of it Lafayette hadn't even asked about. Alex freely chattered away about his life story, asking Lafayette bits about himself inbetween and meekly Lafayette answered them. He wasn't used to this.

Then as they rounded a corner just by a park that was when Alex stopped in his tracks. He's shaking his head, laughing as he did. His eyes still twinkling as they met Lafayette's.

Lafayette felt his stomach tie in knots.

"Damn, why're you so quiet" Alex chuckled. "Look was me who got knocked the fuck out back there! If anyone should be a nervous wreck it's me. But, I'm always getting into trouble, nothing new."

"Pardon?" Lafayette asks, confusion bristling his brow.

Alex tilts his head at him, he continues to just smile for a moment and then he sighs, his shoulders dropping. "You're very shy" Alex told him.

Lafayette wanted to look away, he knew Alex was right. He was fairly shy. Alex's deep pools of honey enticed him though, he coudn't look anywhere else.

Then Alex leans forward, he gives him a nudge into the shoulder with his own. Alex stands back, grinning. "Hey, you don't gotta be shy with me, right?" Alex tells Lafayette.

Lafayette nods.

He couldn't help it.

"Alright? I mean, what you did for me, you pretty much saved my ass. My life, actually. I'm really grateful -" Alex groaned and gritted out his hands, he hit the temple of his head. Lafayette's face went into confusion, this Alexander was a head case.

"Fuck, no, I mean yes! I am grateful, Jesus. But what I'm trying to say is that I'm glad it was _you_. Y'know? You're like this tall, handsome, motherfucking prince! Just swooping in, saving me."

Lafayette had to laugh.

"That is a stretch" Lafayette shook off.

He wasn't a prince, but, he could be. For someone special. Lafayette hoped to find his prince or princess too, someday.

Lafayette didn't even realise he was glancing elsewhere. Then he was startled by Alex.

"You kinda are to be honest, we don't really see a lot of princes around these parts" Alex chuckles. "Trust me" 

Lafayette fixated his eyes on anything but on Alex. He could feel his stomach begin to hurt and he felt his palms sweat up. 

"God, you are shy. Can't even look me in the eye, hey." Alex tugged on Lafayette's arm, he looked into Alex's eyes properly this time. Alex stared back into his, something was there, in them. Lafayette couldn't explain.

"You're too pretty to be shy, don't be shy, look, you can be yourself around me." Alex reassured. "Kay?"

Lafayette nods automatically. "Okay"

"Ite, good. Lets make a move" Alex grinned.

"Yes, lets." Lafayette agreed.

As they're walking on, still talking and Lafayette manages to conversize more. It was going well. Lafayette suggested to get Alex cleaned up and they eventually found some old public bathroom. Not wanting to visit another bar incase they would end up with the same goons Alex ended up fighting with or not being allowed in since Alex was full of blood.

Lafayette, not the biggest fan of using public bathrooms, especially the ones here in the streets of New York. They were infested with all sorts, even the handles and light switch looked raided with every disease known to man.

It started by Lafayette dabbing some wet tissue on the dried blood just under Alex's nose. The public toilet lighting wasn't the best, it was too dim and they kept flickering. Not to mention they were filthy. The scent was vile plus Lafayette felt like he would have gotten infested with god knows what if he had even dared turned the tap on.

Luckily Alex didn't care, he did it for him and joked about Lafayette being a germ freak.

Alex brazenly grinned, took up Lafayette's offer and let him fuss over him. Lafayette realised just how much of a charmer Alex was as they spoke. Alex was funny too, also very witty. Lafayette liked that.

But mostly Alex told his life story to him, everything not far short. Lafayette didn't realise just how great he had it, how all of his worries weren't anywhere near as bad as what Alex had been through. Alex's story, it cut right through him and he hadn't even known Alex an hour.

"So, yeah, no mom, no dad" Alex told him, simply, a shrug of the shoulders to go with it too. Lafayette's brow raised in surprise. "Just another stray, wandering the streets of skidrow, another bastard kid tossed into the system. It's pretty shit but, hey, that's life."

Lafayette cast him a dismissive look. He didn't like Alex's tone as he spoke about himself.

Alex was more than that, Lafayette could tell.

"Alexander, you must not be so harsh on yourself like that" Lafayette tells Alex. "You can not help what happened"

But Alex made a soft 'pfft' and he crosses his arms, tilts his head a little, his long locks sway as he did. Lafayette is ridding some of the blood off his chin.

"Guess not, still, I'm lucky in a way, that I made it here and not where I was born. New York has more to offer, fuckin' paradise compared to where I was. Lemme tell you." Alex said. 

"Where you were born?" Lafayette asks, curiously.

"Nevis"

"Where is that?" Lafayette questioned. 

"It's an island. Basically bum fuck no where"

Lafayette frowns, "I have not heard of it"

Alex sighs, rolling his eyes. "Story of my life. It's in the Caribbean. Say, big boy -" Well, this caught Lafayette off guard.

Alex's expression is practically devilish. Alex smirked at him. "Tell me about you" Alex eyed him up and down like he was a snack. "Look at you, you ain't like us, definitely not Brooklyn bred"

"I am from France" Lafayette said. 

"Look at us! A pair of immigrants, by god what were the odds!" Alex laughed. "Then again, your name sounds hella French. Should've guessed, what, with that accent and all. I love it. It's gorgeous!" 

Lafayette's cheeks warmed at this. He and Alex shared a small moment, under the dingy bathroom light, it flickered slightly, the buzz of a fly landing on the cracked splashed up mirror and yet, even in such a grim place, Lafayette felt content. So content right now, so warm. It weird feeling, he couldn't shake it off, it was as if he were almost helpless. 

"How you liking New York?" Alex asks, his tone was like butter. His eyes though, they held actual and a genuine interest. As if, Alex was almost concerned yet wanted to actually get to know him. 

"It's... far from home." Lafayette told him. "I like it, it's amazing but different. I still feel a little bit out of place."

Alex smiled. "It does that but you'll mesh in, that's if, you, choose to stay?" There was a slight hesitance to Alex's voice. 

Lafayette's eyes were drawn back to Alex's. He felt himself get giddy and he didn't know why.

"I should stay?" Lafayette said. "but I am only here for school and my family may not allow it. They found it in themselves to let me come here as a student. But to _live_ here, I do not know if they will accept it."

"So what? You should stay, I think so. You'll do well here." Alex reassured. 

"I see" Lafayette murmured. 

Silence between them.

"Yeah" said Alex. "Hey, Lafayette"

And Lafayette looks back to him. Alex looks almost sympathetic. 

"How old are you?"

"I am eighteen" Lafayette says. 

Alex nods. "Right, so you're my age. Well, technically I turn nineteen in like a couple of months. But, the fact of the matter is that you are an adult. Laf. You don't need your family's approval for everything. You're your own person. And don't forget that."

Lafayette felt himself go warm. He had never been told that, ever. Not by anyone. And it sent his heart racing.

Lafayette's feet went jelly-like, his arms were jittering and the crumpled tissue he was holding, he couldn't hold that right. So Lafayette clears his throat, he looks at himself there in the mirror and uses a hand to adjust his flock of curls. God, he needed some gel down on them, they were starting to frizz. 

Alex remained staring at him before looking into the mirror and meeting Lafayette's gaze, he smiles softly when they do. Lafayette's on fire again and he's messing around with his hair, giving his curls a small shake before turing back to Alex.

But what surprises him next is when Alex reaches up, he doesn't ask and usually that would annoy Lafayette. He hates when people touch his curls without person, it wasn't right. Black hair wasn't some tourist attraction. However, despite the fact that he would have protested if anyone else had done that. He doesn't stop Alex, he doesn't mind. 

Alex looks slightly unsure, his hand withdraws a little, it goes back and he's about to let it flop. 

"You can, touch, if you want?" Lafayette let out, quietly. 

Their is tension in their eyes. Lafayette's heart thunders and he sees how Alex's adams apple bobs, he's nervous. He knows he should've asked first. But Alex reaches out anyway and those sleek fingers take one of Lafayette's soft short coils. 

Alex takes it, gently and he's rubbing it between his fingers. Their eyes lock until Alex takes a moment to appreciate it. He pulls Lafayette's curl, pulls it to its full length, a long black straight line and then gently, he lets it go. 

It springs back into place, subtly landing with the rest of the curls and Alex's eyes go back to Lafayette's. 

Things remained quietly for a moment or so before Lafayette swiftly changes the mood. "I have tried to get the blood off best I could? Non?" 

Alex looks back into the mirror and their little triage of eye-fucking came to an end. Alex grins, he nods. "Yeah, that's fine. Thanks." 

"It is okay, now, lets leave this place. This bathroom... disgusting." Lafayette mutters and he's making a move for the door. 

At first Lafayette is about to go open the door but then he stops. He looks at the handle, disgust etches his features and he's grabbing the end of his shirt. He wraps it around his hand and tries to paw at the door handle with it. 

Alex laughs hard when he sees this. He hops down off the sink counter and he's shaking his head. "You've got to be fucking with me" 

"It is not funny!" Lafayette cries. "I cannot touch that!" 

Alex sighs, he makes a move over to the door and instead, he's the one taking the door's handle. Alex yanked the thing open and he looks up at Lafayette with a cocky smile. "Happy now?"

Lafayette huffs and he storms out the wretched bathroom. Alex giggles behind him. 

"What's with that? Huh? You some kind of germaphobe?" Alex asks. 

"No" Lafayette sighs. "I just do not like touching where the public have touched, you do not know what people have. Some people do now wash their hands or shower. It makes me... uncomfortable." 

Alex leans his head back as they're walking on. He gives Lafayette the side eye and he's smirking. "So you are a germaphobe then? Ite, ite, I get it."

"I am not" Lafayette said back in defence. 

"That is what a germaphobe is, Laf." 

Lafayette's stomach did roly-polies at that nickname.

"What's the deal with that, huh? I mean, how do you go about life just freaking out over shit like that?" Alex pushed. 

Lafayette shrugged. "This is how I am"

"You've always been scared of microscopic creepy crawlers?" Alex joked. 

Lafayette shot him a glare and Alex bit his lip. 

"I am very hygienic, that is all" Lafayette told him.

"So am I?" But, like, I don't get it. You freak over the taps, the handles and shit. Yet you cleaned me up? Washed off my blood? Dude, how do you know I haven't got fucking HIV for example?" Alex asks him. 

Lafayette's face was a picture. "What?"

"Don't worry, nah, I have not got HIV. I'm clean!" Alex said, holding up a hand. "I was just saying, y'know, hypothetically, s'all." 

"Okay" Lafayette said with a nod. "I see"

"You born like this? Dirt phobia?" Alex pressed. 

"No, it is just, well, I never cared as a child about such things. But my cousins, they -" Lafayette pauses and he looks down. Alex takes the hint, Lafayette didn't want to talk about it. Lafayette hated this memory, it's the one which triggered his phobia of germs and dirt. 

He still remembers screaming at the top of his lungs there lay down in the pig pen. All covered in shit, piss and mud. All because of his two asshole cousins who thought it would be hilarious to push him over the rail when they were all visiting a farm on a day out when he was seven. 

Lafayette would never rid the smell. How it went up in nose, in his hair and the way he cried, choking, hiccuping as he stood there in the shower. His aunt washing him thoroughly, making sure it was all off but it was too late, Lafayette had been traumatised. His knees grazed from the fall, his palms and cheek bruised too. It had been horrendous and to top it off, they had an hours ride back home in the car. 

Lafayette had never been more uncomfortable and terrified in his entire life. From that moment on, all he could think about was bathing, water, soap and the sensation of feeling clean again. What an experience. 

But right now, Lafayette didn't feel like telling that story. 

Alex continued to watch him, fairly concerned due to Lafayette's lack of talking and how the atmosphere had suddenly died between them.

So Lafayette changes the subject. 

"I must ask then, if you were in foster care. Then were you ever adopted?" Lafayette asks him, briskly. They're walking a little too close he notices.

Alex walked closely the most. Their arms brushing ever so.

"No, I was never adopted. I mean, how it started was at this children's home over in Queens back in the day. I was around seven at the time" Alex tells him curtly, Lafayette notices Alex ticking off his fingers as he names places. "- Then from there to Brooklyn, I was just in and out of all these foster homes. One family to the next, being passed around like a rag doll. It was horrible. I've lived all over New York growing up."

Lafayette felt his heart buckle at Alex's story. He felt so lucky to never had gone through that. No matter how bad his bastard cousins were to him. 

"So, if you're up for it, one day, Monsieur Lafayette" Alex smirks, he nudges into Lafayette a little. It sent Lafayette giddy and his heart whirling. "I could always give you a tour of New York. Show you the sights, dine and dance, you around the heights, you down?"

He's flirting.

Alex is definitely flirting. Lafayette can just sense it. He knows.

It's even there in Alex's smile.

"All of New York?" Lafayette's eyes are wide.

Alex shrugged, smiling, they both cross a road and head into the direction of a row of clubs. "I don't see why not, I don't mind putting my assignments aside. For you. Least I can do after, y'know, the bar and all that. Hey, I'll even take you for a coffee or we could go to a bar -"

"After tonight? After fighting?!" Lafayette exclaimed.

"A different one, obviously. On another night, since I kinda don't wanna run into those assholes again. I mean fucking hell, it's almost the millennium and even now dudes are still weird over a guy flirting with another dude? I mean, the guy was hot, I'm flamboyant right, I honestly thought he was into me, right up until he head butted me!" Alex laughed it off though.

"But yeah. Sure, hun. I'll buy you a drink, either way. I don't care, I'm so getting you one. As a thanks, though." Alex had a devious look and an evil grin to boot. 

"You game?" Alex pushed. 

It didn't sound like just a meer 'thank you' though. Lafayette felt that this was Alex's sneaky way of luring him into a date.

As they cut through one of the next dark streets together, their shoulders brushing, the smoke of their hot breaths puffing out into the cold air. Things felt nice, the silence between them was comfortable. It wasn't awkward, Alex's presence made Lafayette feel a sense of peace.

He felt home.

Before either one of them spoke again, in an instant it began to rain. Small specs which suddenly bloomed into a torrential shower. Alex and Lafayette look up a the sky for a moment before turning back to each other. They both erupted into sneers of laughter. 

"As if this night could not get any worse" Alex said. 

  
All of his hair was drenched, you would've thought someone had tossed a bucket of water over him. The downpour was getting stronger by the second. From ahead all what had been clear in sight had turned into a blurred mist of luminous neon signs, the heavy rain masking them. Cars zooming past the pair skidding waves of water as the road turned into a river. Other people around them were hurrying their pace or running into wherever. 

Which left Alex and Lafayette stood there getting soaked to the bone. Alex's shirt was see through by this point and Lafayette was just pleased he had worn a jacket. Alex was wiping away the beads of rain from his eyes and biting his lip. Probably clueless as to what came next for them both. 

Lafayette watched him fiddle on the spot, he wanted Alex's company that extra bit longer. So he figured, why put an end to their night. And Alex seemed trustworthy. Even if they had both just met, there was just something about him. 

"Come back to mine" 

Alex's head spins. He's squinting through the rain at Lafayette. "What?"

"Come to my place, I doubt my roommate will be back tonight. I last saw him with some girl." Lafayette knew his roommate wouldn't be back tonight. He had already gave him the heads up in advance. Made it clear he was waking up in someone else's bed.

Alex continued to stare at him, no doubt considering the offer.

"You can get a warm and a dry" Lafayette shrugs. 

In the end Alex nods. "Okay, I mean, my place ain't close by. So it's probably easier. Sure it's cool?" 

Lafayette could only muster up the warmest of smiles and Alex already looked warm. 

"Since you want to take care of me here in the city. Allow me to take care of you for the night. It is only fair." 

Alex laughs. There was a twinkle in those dark big brown eyes, it wasn't lust or his signature cheeky look. Lafayette knew it was more or it could be more. Potentially.

"Damn right"

And with that Lafayette tugs on Alex in a turn of direction where they hung for a moment on the curb waiting for a taxi. 

Although this encounter was strange, Lafayette had a feeling that his time in America was about to change for the better.


	2. Foolin' Around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is a bit unusual since John is non-existent here. Well, he does exist. 
> 
> But John is probably around one or two years old? He's kinda busy learning how to talk right now, whilst beginning to walk and he's currently enjoying a nice box of apple juice with an episode of Barney the dinosaur.
> 
> Alex and Lafayette are a pair of sweaty teenagers. What even are condoms?  
>    
> The chapter takes place in 1998. Lafayette and Alex were college friends with - Uh, I mean, sweethearts!
> 
> Basically them kinda just understanding what the hell they are, what they're doing and just dicking around. Pointless chapter but I wanted to throw in a drabble. I've got a few of these and since we're nearing the end of the story, I want to throw a couple of them in. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Alex gave Lafayette one final kiss before slowly pulling away, laughing cheekily. He bites his lip laughing, his big brown eyes lustful and Lafayette is still dazed from their little scuffle there on Alex's bed.

Lafayette wiped his eyes for a moment, mostly to help him come back to reality after such a heavy make out session. God, they had done the whole lot. Bumping, grinding, clawing, gnawing and squirming around. Well, Lafayette had done most the withering. Alex had him weak, so damn weak.

The TV was now blank with its fuzzy screen, their video, now finished. 

He lets out a small breath as he's lay there and batted his eyes. He can't believe how real this was. To be here in Alex's dorm room, on his bed and swapping spit. Lots of spit and there had been quite a bit of biting too. Lafayette was pretty sure he's going to be littered with scars if he weren't careful. Alex was a rough one. Always hungry.

Alex was into being rough, not that Lafayette minded, he enjoyed it. It spiced things up and was a lot different compared to the previous partners in France he had been with.

Not that it had lasted long though, things just didn't work out with them. They didn't fill that void, unlike Alex, this human ball of sunshine. He brightened up Lafayette's day, he made him feel content. Complete, it was strange and they hadn't known each other all that long.

Alex took a quick drag of his joint and offered it over to Lafayette.

Lafayette went ahead, took it and had a drag.

He closed his eyes as he did, it had been a while since his last drag. Weed was so much easier to get in New York. Unlike where he came from in Paris, he didn't know any good dealers, he had been under lock and key most of his molly-coddled life anyway. But he had one cousin who supplied him with a bag of green every now and again when they hung out.

The cousin who his family tried to shove under the carpet, the runt of the litter. The one Lafayette was practically best friends with.

How any of his family never found out was a god send. But Lafayette knew better than to be gassing up his exquisite bedroom, with its pure silk drapes, rich linens and fancy carpet.

But it got him to chill, space out a little and keep him sane when dealing with the strict family he had.

All the tedious homeschooling, the boarding schools, lecture after lecture. Dinner parties, trips to the finest countryside inns and posh getaways down south in France. It got too much sometimes and Lafayette used to often feel as if he were trapped.

Rich people got under his skin so much at times. Of course Lafayette himself was rich, but he wasn't that type of rich person.

He had a heart to say the least.

Releasing a cloud of smoke, he passed it back to Alex and Alex smiled as he did at him, he took it back. Stared at Lafayette with this devious smirk, Lafayette arched a brow.

"You wanna shotgun?" Alex asked, licking his lips naughtily at him. Lafayette looked so clueless, it was adorable, really it was. Alex laughed right at him, wafted a hand at him and took another drag.

"Shot-gun?" Lafayette asked, stupidly. He narrows his eyes at Alex, showing his confusion and Alex's grin grew. "I do not know what that is? Oh, wait. You want to shoot me?"

Alex spluttered out into a fit of laughter.

Lafayette huffed at him.

"Shut up"

"It's just you! _Jesus Christ_. You are so goofy, God. I love it." Alex laughed. "It's so cute and you don't even realise it either."

"I was not attempting to be funny!" Lafayette spat defensively.

But Alex continued on in a fit of giggles.

"Don't laugh!" Lafayette muttered. "How am I supposed to know what it is? I do not know American lingo too well!"

Alex sighs, still grinning and releases his puff of smoke. He twiddled the blunt between his fingers as he did. "C'mon, they've gotta have a nick name for it in France, surely to god."

Lafayette looked clueless. "But I do not know what it even is!" He babbled dramatically. Alex rolls his eyes at him, his smile never leaving as he did.

So then Alex moved forward on his knees, his hole-ridden spiderman boxers hanging halfway down his ass as he did. Alex gestured his head at Lafayette to come over and tells him "C'mere" and so Lafayette did. He slowly shuffled over to Alex, eyeing him as he did with suspicion. Alex looked so sinful.

"I'll show you exactly what it is" Alex said, lowering his voice playfully.

Lafayette quirks a brow at him. Alex wastes no time mooching closer, their knees touching, Alex takes a good lengthy drag of the joint and he's staring Lafayette deep in the eyes as he did.

Alex had big beautiful brown eyes, puppy dog eyes and every single time they worked their magic. Roping Lafayette in, burrowing right down into his soul and taking a piece of him every time. Lafayette swallowed thickly realising just how attracted to Alex he was slowly becoming.

He was so fixated on Alex's eyes that he didn't even pay attention to Alex's hand there on his cheek, slim burly fingers brushing his growing scruff and Alex pulls his head towards his, Alex's eyes close, his lips tickle just at the base of Lafayette's own and Lafayette gets the memo. He know what to do.

So he opens his own mouth, closes his eyes and he can feel Alex's hot breath surging into his mouth. The familiar taste of bud flies onto his tongue, hits the back of his throat and Lafayette is mesmerised. He had never done this before, not this way.

It's intimate, it's close, it's everything.

Lafayette felt himself go lightheaded for a split second, Alex balances him by the shoulder and Lafayette holds it for a second. Then he releases and the smoke clouds around them both.

Slowly re-opening their eyes, they look at each other and snicker. Lafayette leans back on an elbow and he's tilting his head back, closing his eyes again.

"That was... wow" Lafayette looked spaced out.

Alex slumped down beside him, facing Lafayette and took another drag of his joint. Exhaling upwards and laughing himself. "Told you"

"I have never done that before in my life and now I regret never trying it before" Lafayette said, he stretched out a long leg and flopped it back down on the bed. "I have so much to learn here in New York, non? American life is much better."

Then Alex's smile faltered slightly at that. He gets in one last drag before dabbing with fingers with his tongue, quickly twisting out the hot and he leaned over Lafayette for a minute, placing the joint over on his nightstand, ready for later.

He releasing his last puff of smoke and Alex grumbled for a moment, clearing his throat. Lafayette stares over at him. "I wouldn't quite say that" Alex tells him, coughing and clearing his throat again before laying back down.

Alex takes Lafayette's knee, he soothes a small circle on the cap. He notices that he was still in his jeans, Alex stares at Lafayette's buckle, he says nothing yet though. Those were coming off.

"Why?" Lafayette asks.

Then Alex lets out a small heave out of his nose, he looks at Lafayette with a sullen expression.

Alex didn't want to talk about it. That was fine, Lafayette got the memo.

He then pats Lafayette's knee, giving it a squeeze squeeze before his hand slides right down his lithe thigh. Lafayette watches Alex's hand creep further and further up to just by his crotch. Alex leaves his hand there and doesn't push it just yet.

Lafayette feels tingles jitter right through his body. Alex electrified him and Lafayette wondered what fucking Alex would be like.

His heart pounded harder at that though, having Alex ride him like his life depended on it. It really wouldn't take much effort, all Lafayette had to do was get those faded boxers off his scrawny skinny little ass and have Alex on his knees, right here on this bed, him holding the headboard, screaming like a banshee.

But Lafayette couldn't.

He wanted to do something, something more than just kissing with Alex.

He just couldn't find it in himself to act on it. Lafayette swallowed, he looked up at the ceiling and then to Alex's posters. They were mostly of bands, most of them looked terrifying. Some crazy metal bands that could easily pass of as Dracula, but Lafayette did recognise KISS. The Smiths and Nirvana. Lafayette did notice The Smashing Pumpkins, those he actually did quite like himself though. Some of the others were the likes of Einstein and the others, political quotes. 

Alex had so much crap just littered around his room, but as dark and dingy as his dorm was, it was fairly homely in a weird, disturbing way, with his green lava lamp slowly turning turquoise then to yellow.

Then there were the stupid amounts of pre canned black coffee and used Pepsi cans littered over on his desk beside the stacks of books and many papers. All the guy did in his spare time was study, write or rock out if they weren't making out and getting high. 

Alex's friend's red shiny guitar still plugged into the amplifier over in the corner of the room. It had been there absolutely months. Lafayette wondered if either Alex had claimed it or they really were coming back to pick it up.

Then there was the piles of laundry that needed doing, Alex’s smelly socks tossed over the radiator, black clothes just slung over what appeared to be the drawers, Lafayette couldn't tell and he wished to god Alex would wear something other than black. It was always black, grey or more black.

Although alternative fashion had never tickled Lafayette's fancy since back home the whole subculture was looked down on by his family. Lafayette couldn't say he was all that keen. Still though, Alex's little grunge god thing he had going on suited him well. Lafayette liked it.

"You wanna do something else? Y'know, other than tear my room apart with your mean ass stares" Alex asks him, grinning devilishly.

Lafayette went pale.

"Yes, uh-huh, I saw. Don't worry little prince, I ain't gonna turn you into some goth lookin' motherfucker. Can't disappoint royalty back home. After all, Lord and Lady wouldn't approve" Alex snorted.

Lafayette scoffed at him and rolled his eyes. Then Alex nudged him, giggling into Lafayette's side since he had mooched over again. Alex's hand slid further down Lafayette's thigh and it stopped literally on the bulge of his jeans. Lafayette's mind was all over the place right now.

"Although, you would look pretty hot in black. Especially with a nose ring or a tongue piercing. Hey, you wanna get one like mine?" Alex asks, he was dead on serious to, his eyes lit right up. Lafayette's eyes were wild at the idea, just no. Absolutely not.

"No! I can just about bare your tongue piercing! It is creepy!" Layette spluttered, shaking his head. "No!"

Alex teasingly flashed it at him and Lafayette cringes. Alex laughed right in his face.

"Damn, you so easy to wind up. Love it. Aw, c'mon, it'll be fun. I'll hold your hand?" Alex pushed, his hand was literally covering Lafayette's crotch.

Lafayette felt his cheeks go on fire, he's glaring at Alex.

Alex wiggled his brows.

"Don't be absurd" Lafayette muttered.

Then gradually each of Alex's fingers press into Lafayette's cock through his jeans and Lafayette's heat on his face turns into wildfire. His cock is hardening, Alex can feel it, he's staring into Lafayette's eyes smugly, naughtily. Lafayette's adams apple bobbed and he's losing his cool.

"Or I could, grab these instead" And Alex squeezes his balls which had Lafayette in a pitched gasp.

"Alexander -"

Alex tilts his head. "Buy not do it for me? So, when we make out -" He goes right up to Lafayette's face this time.

Their lips a whisper away, Alex's fingers soothe Lafayette's throbbing balls and cock in a motion which sends Lafayette moaning softly. "It'd be hot, real hot. Our rings just bumpin', grindin', while were... getting into it. Me on you, doin' this -" Alex pushes right in on Lafayette's cock, he's grasping it, giving a few lengthy softly tugs and Lafayette makes a little mewl.

Alex smiled at his work. "Except, we'd be hella naked, I'll make you see stars, baby, oh just you wait."

Lafayette is getting off at Alex's touch, Alex is busy manhandling his cock and he's gone to kiss Lafayette's neck. Pressing soft little kisses along it. Everything felt amazing, until -

"We can swap loogies, if you want. Want a green one?" Alex giggle into his ear and he made a hacking sound. As if he were gathering up snot. 

Gross.

Lafayette pulls away, frowning. "You're vile"

Alex laughs there in the crook of Lafayette's neck and shoulder. "I'm just joking!"

"Disgusting" Lafayette muttered, unimpressed. But still feeling extremely horny. Way to kill a moment.

Alex pulls back looking all frazzled, his long hair past his shoulders is a wavy mess and he's got a stupid look on his face. Lafayette leans back away from him, glowering and annoyed that he's still got this awful hard on.

"Yeah, yeah, oh dear god, little lord fauntleroy, you act like you have never let out a good fart around anyone in your life." Alex then chokes in giggles at Lafayette's face. "Oh, god. Look, I'm just messing, hun, I do this. I'm a dick, I joke around. I've got to just like... get you comfortable, okay? You look so tense, all nervous." Then Alex's face and smile fell slightly sympathetic.

"I am just not so used to this humour"

Because Lafayette wasn't at all. Toilet humour had never been a thing in the Lafayette family. It was considered crude and unheard of. 

Alex shrugged. "That's cool. But what are you stressing for?"

Lafayette looked all defensive at that question. "I am not"

And Alex gives him an 'oh really' type of expression. "Baby. I know tense when I see it. You're eating yourself up inside, like, I can tell you probably want to do shit but you're kinda shy still. Yeah?"

At this Lafayette drops his gaze. He was fairly shy around Alex still. He just was, Alex always got him on edge. Made him feel things he couldn't quite stomach fully yet. It confused him, so it was better to just avoid eye contact or just act as nonchalant as possible. It got him through his nerves.

Alex bites his lip at Lafayette. He's giving Lafayette big eyes.

"You want me to keep touching you?"

Lafayette shrugged. Deep down, he did.

Alex shuffled closer again, he pokes Lafayette in the thigh. "Yeah?"

Okay, fine. Lafayette nods.

Lafayette kept his eyes away from Alex. He hears a soft laugh and he feels Alex's hand on his thigh again. Baby steps. They had to build this up. There had to be trust between them to create something more here other than just kissing. 

"Why're you so nervous?" Alex asks. "You don't have to need be nervous with me. Trust."

"I am not!" Lafayette griped. "You make me sound like I am inexperienced!"

Alex huffed at that. "You kinda are"

"I am not though!" Lafayette tells him, his brow furrowing.

So Alex decides to just move on from asking Lafayette why he was so uptight and try to progress in another way. "Yeah yeah - But, like, for real, have you ever done anything? Y'know, sexpositons -" Alex's lips curled upwards as he spoke, Lafayette pulled a face at that last term.

"What is a 'sexposition' exactly?" Lafayette asks. He had never heard that before in his entire life.

Alex gave him another soft poke, this time in his belly. "Oh you know, blow jobs, fingering, ass licking, you've got normal riding, camel riding reverse peacing, a bit of inverted missionary, upright dogging -"

Lafayette's eyes bulged, he had no idea what any of those last ones even were. "Alexander" Lafayette exasperated. "How do such things exist?!"

Alex laughed aloud, he holds his stomach as he did and as his laughter died off, he's staring at Lafayette like a hungry wolf. Lafayette watches Alex carefully, a little on guard but curious as to how all of this was going to unfold.

"They just do!" Alex says, he gives Lafayette a playful shove in the shoulder which has Lafayette toppling backwards against the headboard. Lafayette doesn't protest though, he lets Alex do whatever he's doing. He wants to find out where this is going. This time he finally meets Alex's eyes, he doesn't look away. Their gaze marries and Lafayette finds a pit of confidence inside himself.

Although Lafayette stares as Alex crawled over his long, lanky legs and straddled him. The way Alex's balls and dick jiggled a little in his boxers, he looked like he could be fairly hard himself. Lafayette wanted to touch him.

"Hey" Alex chuckled, staring down at Lafayette there.

"Um, hello?" Lafayette said, cluelessly. Blinking at Alex.

That only has Alex snickering again.

"God, I'm hot" Alex huffed, he's letting out a breath, it tickled Lafayette's face and Alex moved some of his hair out his face. "Fuck"

Lafayette loved Alex's hair. It was so long, shiny and pretty. Past his back almost. Straight hair always fascinated Lafayette at times, despite having a set of white cousins, the girls he was mainly close to.

Lafayette grew up learning how to braid hair with them, they showed him all sorts of styles. The way their hair just slipped through his fingers like butter always amazed him. Much like his mother's hair had been when she was alive. Lafayette would never trade in his own head of coiled locks though.

Alex's however, it was something else. Especially when he was up there on top of him, whipping his head so his dark locks flew over his shoulder. Lafayette's dick was screaming.

Now as Alex was about to do whatever it was next, he rolled his eyes and lunged over to his nightstand where his stereo was. Lafayette loved Alex's boombox, it was all spray painted in rainbow colours and when he had asked Alex why, Lafayette assuming it was simply for the sake of being creative, arty.

Alex told him it was to represent the LGBT flag and told him all about how love should connect with music since it was for everyone. Music brought happiness and how it brought people together. Lafayette thought it was a beautiful idea. Alex always went out there to express himself and it was a quality Lafayette admired about him. Alex was so passionate.

Dumb and boyish at times but witty, a know it all, cunning but fun. Someone Lafayette wouldn't mind waking up next to everyday.

Lafayette felt his hands go clammy at that thought.

"Are you a virgin?" Alex asked him, point blank.

The pair of them just stared at one another as if that had really just been asked here. Lafayette actually spluttered right in Alex's face and they both just spurt out into laughter at that. Lafayette said something in French under his breath, swore at him and Alex's mouth dropped. He lightly swatted Lafayette's thigh and laughed anyway.

"What the hell! Look, look, I have to ask! I mean, you're not giving me much to go off!" Alex exclaimed, trying to sound serious all while grinning and Lafayette raised his brow at him, a bewildered look on his face still. "Are you one, yes or no?"

"Alexander" Lafayette laughs, sighing. "You are despicable at times"

Alex inches closer to him, he cheekily leans forward with that condescending smile he loved to sport.

Their faces were inches away, Lafayette felt his heart race up. Alex always did this to him, left him utterly helpless inside. Not that Lafayette would say it though, he had never been the best with feelings or speaking his mind.

Not until Alex came into his life, whirled him away and got him speaking. Lafayette had never enjoyed too much chatter, he grew up around it back in the large house he lived in over in France. Politicians, aunts, uncles, his grandparents, cousins and nannies, no one ever knew how to keep their words, mean opinions and mindless chatter to themselves.

But Lafayette didn't mind Alex's constant squabble. Alex spoke freely, he made him laugh and he was wit all over. Alex always had something to say which would grip Lafayette's attention and knock the world out of him. Alex spoke the truth about life, he knew what it was like to actually live out there in the rough, tough, sad world.

Whereas Lafayette, with his family's money, homeschooling at posh, fancy boarding schools, the narrow mindedness that would surround him, Lafayette didn't. He had no idea up until now what real life was. 

Alex had told Lafayette the truth about himself when they first met, Alex claimed he had nothing to give, that he didn't have much of anything. Alex had never had anything in his life. But Lafayette though saw through what Alex owned and saw _him_ instead.

He's eyeing Alex, he can feel Alex's hot breath tickle his nose, the combination of weed, beer, chicken patties from the local bodega and curry ramen were becoming quite the usual in Lafayette's bucket list of flavour favourites.

Inching even closing with their lips just brushing, Lafayette closes his eyes expecting to be kissed but instead, Alex poked at his nose.

"Yes or no?"

Lafayette snorts, shaking his head and leaned back against the bed frame, tipping his head upwards to give Alex a nose-filled view. He smirked at Alex and Alex pouted at him, waiting, impatiently.

"I will be honest with you, Alexander. Most of my experience tends to come from me being reliable with the ladies" Lafayette tells him with a shrug. "So, no. Alexander. I am _not_ a virgin."

Which wasn't a lie. Lafayette did have some stories of his own from his boarding school days. He, others in his quarters would often sneak out on the weekend to go and get drunk at the lake with the girls from the opposite school. They had their own hideout, filled with blankets, garden lights, cheap booze, weed and a beaten up stereo. 

Because while all the students from his boarding school days seemed posh, bright and uptight on the outside. They would crave that release on a Saturday night. No one had to know and no one ever found out either. 

Lafayette mooched forward, he pressed his lips on Alex's before pulling back, resting against the bed frame and they're looking into each other eyes for a quick moment.

Lafayette didn't want to say it but he had a feeling with Alex, this wasn't going to be just sex. More was going to be involved, he just knew it. Deep down, right into the core of his heart. For now, he would play along. Swallow these strong feelings and just go with whatever it was Alex intended they do.

Alex hummed, taking this all in he was. Although, he looked more invested than he should be. Alex dropped his eyes for a second and his mouth twisted, before saying, "Well, yeah, someone like you would be a hit with women"

Lafayette arched a brow. Alex sounded fairly bitter for a second.

He wondered why.

But then the mood immediately lifts, when Alex asks, "Have you ever been with a dude?"

Lafayette bit his lip, he flicks his eyes to the side and then looked back to Alex. "Kissing, yes. But nothing, uh, sexual."

The smile on Alex's face was sickening.

Lafayette rolled his eyes.

Oh he knew exactly what was going through Alex's mind.

"You wanna try?"

Lafayette wanted the whole bed to just eat him up. His cheeks were a rush of pink, his tan skin luminous from the heat. The more the silence dug in, Alex's excitement and he was like a dog with ten dicks. "You do, don't you" Alex pressed, giggling.

Lafayette tried not to smile but he was failing.

He did, he wanted to. Badly.

They both wanted it.

"Oh, you _so_ do!" Alex laughed. "You so do, just say it! If you wanna fool around, baby, I got you. Okay? I'm gonna give you what you want, yeah?"

"Perhaps" Lafayette tells him, teasingly.

The look in their eyes was dangerous. "So I'm your first then?" Lafayette gave Alex a nudge in the side. Alex laughed. "Fuck yeah! I get to pop your cherry!"

Lafayette made a face of disgust at that. "Excuse me?!"

"It's just a saying, means your ass hasn't been blasted the fuck up yet." Alex says, hushing him with his finger. "Ite, so what you wanna try first? Can I give you a BJ?"

"B-J?" Lafayette squinted at the term.

"Means blow job" Alex told him, bluntly, simply.

"I see" Lafayette had to remember that one.

Alex's head dropped, he wasted no time and started to go for Lafayette's belt, he's tugging on it playfully. "Mm, yeah. I wanna suck you off. Bet you're big as fuck too, you got that look about you and nah it ain't because you've got black in you" Alex chuckled, holding a hand up defensively to him.

"Oh?" Lafayette said, feeling his cheeks heat up.

He stared at Alex while he was busy unbuckling him. Alex nods. "Might even finger and eat you out yet. Maybe even suck you off, finger you at the same damn time, let's see how this goes though."

Lafayette spluttered everywhere, completely winded but Alex's lewd suggestions. 

Alex shot his eyes back up to him, he looked confused as to why Lafayette was so frazzled.

"My god! Alexander! How can you be so lewd about it all?!" Lafayette choked out, shocked.

Alex shrugged. "I'm pretty open to anything, gotta keep an open mind. You never know what you might like."

"You're so blunt!"

"I know" Alex snorted like the whole thing was nothing. Lafayette rolls his eyes. "So what?"

Lafayette was baffled. Alex was a full on porn star. 

"What's that look for?" Alex chuckled. "I know, I'm filthy as shit. You don't have to tell me twice."

It was a lot to take in but at the end of the day, Alex was right. If they never tried then they would never know. Alex was this open book, wore his opinion on his sleeve and spoke his mind no problem. Lafayette wished he could he like that too. He could learn a thing or two from Alex he figured.

"But still" Lafayette said.

"It's only sex" Alex told him, blankly.

That was true.

But still saying it was 'only sex' stung.

Lafayette chewed the inside of his cheek. Sex was sex to some people. However Lafayette wasn't quite sure that was the case here.

"It's all consensual, right?"

Lafayette nods.

"I mean, we can talk about it till the cows come home or we can just go ahead, try, if you don't like it. We stop." Alex told him firmly.

Lafayette nodded again.

Alex gave him a bit of a sympathetic smile. "You're worried because you've never been with a dude, yeah?"

Lafayette couldn't lie. He was. "I suppose, I am, a little"

"But why?" Alex chuckled, shaking his head like he couldn't believe it. "I mean, babe, look, right if you've dealt with pussy. You can deal with ass. Every hole is a goal."

"No, no, they are both very different" Lafayette tells him.

Alex furrowed his brow. "How?" Then Alex scoffed.

"They just are"

"Not really" Alex told him. Lafayette shook his head. 

Lafayette crossed his arms, smiling at Alex. "And may I ask, Alexander. Have you ever bedded a woman?"

"Few times" Alex told him.

"Only a few?"

Alex rolled his eyes. "I like guys more"

"You are gay?"

"Bi" Alex curtly said, though Lafayette sensed a trait of denial there underlying Alex's tone.

"Are you sure?" Lafayette asked, a cheeky smile of his own probed out.

Alex frowned. "Uh, yeah?"

"You do not sound sure"

Snorting, Alex shoved Lafayette in the shoulder and he leans downwards to Lafayette's face. Grinning. "I, however, _do_ have a thing for guys more. Especially tall, awkward, gorgeous, French dudes. Kinda like yourself." Alex purred. "I love to rile them up, tease and play with them, watch em' squirm for my own personal amusement."

Lafayette gulped.

So Alex goes to his belt first. "Right, so, first I'll suck you off, good, okay? Then I might add a finger or two if you want, I'll try and open you up, I don't have any lube on me, but I can use -"

Before anything else occurred, Lafayette butted in with, "Why are you like this?"

Alex looked back up and pulls a face at him. "What?"

"Overly sexual" Lafayette jokes. However Alex must've taken this to heart because his expression drops.

"Listen, babe. Baby. My childhood was pretty fucked up"

"What do you mean?"

A sigh from Alex. "Because I was in and out of different homes, all my life. From Brooklyn, to Queens and other parts of the city."

"Alexander, you don't have to -" But Lafayette was cut off abruptly.

"I grew up with new faces everyday, different kids. Basically, the older kids would teach me stuff. I mean, fucking hell, they'd share their cigarettes with when I was like twelve. And I knew what fucking was before I was even seven. I saw them beat kids asses and some dudes get shot the fuck up when we used to just dick around in the neighbourhood. Me, them and other kids from the block would just hang out around the project buildings. Laugh, joke, but we were all dreamers deep down. All of us wanted a better life. To be anywhere but there." 

Lafayette studys Alex's face. He looked like he were reminiscing. His eyes gazing back to a much sadder and difficult time. 

"There was so much filthy shit a kid should never see, should never know or hear. But I did." Alex trailed off. 

"Oh mon dieu. Alexander, they did not do anything to you though, right? Please say they did not hurt you" 

Alex shook his head. "Nah, no, no. Nothing like that, god no. I'd have broken their fingers if they tried. I mean like, I learnt a lot from them growing up. Kinda why I'm rough as fuck but pretty corrupted as hell." Alex ended with a cheeky grin.

"I see"

"There was one girl, we were kids, same age. We used to mess around playing doctor, we were like eight and she just outright kissed me. Then and there." Alex said, shrugging. "Said she liked me, we used to just kiss whenever no one was around because it was nice."

"But you were a child"

"She had a dumb crush on me. I used to make her laugh. But we both wanted to, it wasn't anything gross or filthy. Just a standard, simple peck on the lips." Alex tells him. "Like this -" Then he leans over to Lafayette and pops a little kiss on his lips, he leant back after doing so, Lafayette in awe and Alex laughed. "See!"

Then Alex stops, Lafayette sees the way Alex's adams apple jilts the way it did.

"When I was around, maybe, sixteen, at one of the homes they had a son and he had so many fucking sisters. God. He was destined to be gay as fuck "

"Alexander!" Lafayette scolded.

"He was, though! The dude was gay as a window. He even told me! He was the same age as me" Alex told him. "We used to share a room, his parents had no idea. Like, none. I don't even know how they never heard us. We would just hop off our bunk beds, into each others, then just - y'know. Fuck."

Lafayette's eyes went wide. "At sixteen years of age?!"

"Oh please, don't start schooling me. It was consensual, we were young and curious. It wasn't as if he was some grown man." Alex said defensively. Lafayette's mouth twisted. "Tons of people I know have done the nasty before they were even legal, it isn't uncommon. I mean, I won't lie. I've been around."

"Around?" Lafayette was confused.

Alex sighs, "You haven't heard, yet?" Lafayette shakes his head. "That's a first, thought you would've known by now. People keep spreading how I've got a reputation on campus and I even admit it, I have. Jesus."

"Reputation?" Lafayette furrowed his brow at that.

Alex nods. "Yeah, it isn't a clean rep, exactly"

Lafayette suddenly had a light bulb go off in his brain. "Ah! You mean, you are a slut! Yes?"

Alex's face fell.

"What?!"

"That isn't what it means?"

Playfully Alex spanks Lafayette on his shoulder. His lips curled into a naughty grin. "You, did, not just outright call me a 'slut'. Oh my god."

"Is it bad?"

"Kinda, yeah. When you put it like that! Jesus christ." Alex scoffed. "You're lucky english isn't your first language, babe. So, damn, lucky."

Lafayette laughs. "Sometimes I cannot remember"

Alex looked so offended but he was getting a kick out of this at the same time.

"That doesn't put you off, right?" Alex asks, carefully and he's sizing Lafayette up.

Lafayette shook his head.

Of course not.

Then Alex bursts out into another batch of laughter. "Well, maybe I am a bit of a slut. I admit it, so?"

"Dear god" Lafayette sighed.

Alex cocked his head at Lafayette. A dangerous gleam in his eyes, it was there, shimmering. Lafayette felt his stomach tie in knots.

In seconds Alex swooped down again, they're level and he's wrapping his arms around Lafayette's neck. Their bulges are brushing, growing and heating up all over again. Alex and Lafayette just spent a few minutes out to stare at one another.

Something more was blooming and they knew it.

Alex was the first to break the silence.

"But, maybe, I wanna be your slut" He whispered, lustfully and both of them smiled.

Lafayette's hands creeped onto the cheeks of Alex's ass from below, he gave himself a pat on the back for being so bold just now. He grits his nails into Alex's boxers and skin. Alex growled at that, he then purposely rammed his pelvis into Lafayette's. They moan made a soft, dirty grunt.

There was definitely going to be something more here.

But for now though -

"To be honest" Alex said, softly, through his lashes, eyeing Lafayette darkly. "I think, I want to take it a little more slowly with you. You down with that?"

Lafayette had to laugh. "Of course"

Yes, definitely.

"What is this, though?" Lafayette added, quickly. "Are we, uh?"

Alex smirked.

"Me and you, oh we're just foolin' around"


	3. STEPPING UP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And yes, this is another John-less chapter.
> 
> Our boy is still stuck in diapers. All while Alex and Lafayette are too busy either studying, drinking, smoking and fucking.
> 
> What can I say? They're just gross students.
> 
> But this is how they get together.

"What?"

It flew out of Alex's mouth cutting Lafayette's words off.

Lafayette's head leant back and he's sighing.

"Why? What? No, no." Alex stammered. 

"I have said my bit" Lafayette told Alex and he's looking away. Coldly.

That hurt. Alex wasn't used to this side of him. The part where Lafayette cuts him out, treats him like a stranger. Like he was nothing.

Alex's eyes watered.

"Lafayette" Alex spat.

When Lafayette turns from him there on his heels, Alex furrows his brow and he's doing everything in his power to not cry. Alex bit on his bottom lip, holding them back and he croakily chokes out, "Lafayette" once again.

Lafayette doesn't even look at him.

"What did you mean when you said that?" Alex asks, his voice going higher. "Tell me, say it, just tell me. Why the fuck are you holding back? Don't leave me hanging like this!"

Lafayette shrugs.

Alex scoffed at him and his face turned ugly. He couldn't believe this. "You want to break up with me?"

Lafayette kept silence at this. His sullen look shifted into something nasty, anger. Lafayette never turned sour so easily but right now, Alex was trying his absolute luck to tip him over the edge.

"Answer me" Alex says.

Again, nothing came. Lafayette turns his head away even more.

"Answer" Alex pushed, sounding more serious than before. His dark eyes glued on Lafayette and they turned stormy when he didn't get a response.

So then he trudges on over to Lafayette by the desk, he leant against it with his eyes fixated on Alex's worn dust bitten dorm carpet. Lafayette doesn't even pick his eyes up at Alex even as he's fuming towards him.

But Lafayette didn't expect the horrible whack on the arm. Alex thumped him, hard. Lafayette yelped at the harsh contact, despite him having a hoodie on, he could still feel the force just as sharp.

"Ah!" Lafayette yowled from the hit. "Ah - ow, Alex!" He's clasping the oozing area and wincing. He looks up at Alex finally, eyes glistening and Alex looked terrified.

"Shit. I didn't mean for it to be that hard" Alex rambled, eyes wide now realising just what he had done.

That was it, he's ruined everything.

However any apologies were put at a halt.

"I just told you. Open your ears! And no, Alexander we are not together! We never were!" Lafayette snapped. He rubs his arm and Alex's eyes are locked to the bruised spot, he goes to reach out for Lafayette but his hand is ushered away.

"Do not touch me" Lafayette muttered.

Alex searched into his eyes and furrowed his brow.

"You wanted to be friends with benefits and that is what we agreed upon." Lafayette spurted out.

Alex's mouth opens ever so as his frown deepens but nothing comes out. His arms stiff by his side and he's biting his tongue.

"I do not owe myself to you or my own business. What happens in my personal life, it does not concern you, so stay out of it." Lafayette told him, slowly. "Go and do what you always did, Alexander. You were fine before we met, so go back to doing _that_. And I will continue with my own life."

He didn't want to admit it but Alex could feel his eyes sting. His throat went tight and he knew if he gave into his emotions, he'd break. He couldn't, he wouldn't.

His adams apple hitched before he spoke and Alex's vision went that bit cloudier.

"You could have at least..." Alex's voice was going higher, it was breaking ever so. He inhaled and then exhaled under a shaky breath. Alex sniffled and he's trying to look Lafayette in the eyes. "Told me that you wanted to break things off. That's all. Instead of just... messing me around dude."

Lafayette's face went into confusion as he continues to rub his arm down. "What?"

Alex snorts at that look. "Oh, c'mon. Laf, christ. Quit playing hard to get. You've been fucking with my emo-" Alex stopped himself there. He couldn't admit that.

Not his feelings.

He'll end up crying.

Alex wasn't a crier, not usually. But by god, he had a delicate heart. One which had been broken many times in his short life. From the absence of his father walking out to his mothers sudden illness and then death. To finding out his cousin had overdosed over being tormented at school, something Alex had kept only to himself but it haunted him terribly at times.

And then the heartache of being passed around different families growing up, strangers watching him grow up and never once appreciating it. Constantly always trying to find love where it wasn't meant to be and letting them use his body.

Because Alex had been hungry for love growing up, so it didn't matter how they did to him. Not the many lips he would kiss at school, or how hard the neighbour's son from the apartment above would fuck him in the dumpster alley behind the projects building. Alex didn't care about the perverse touches from some of the foster kids older siblings or the guys which would want to just 'experiment' with him who were usually friend's of his friends. It didn't matter.

But for the first time, ever, Alex felt like it did matter. He was dirty, soiled. Once a pure sea many moons ago and now he was shat in. He was a dirt bag and Lafayette saw through it. He thought he was disgusting and Alex couldn't help but feel the shame creep upon him.

Deep down, there in the pit of his gut, he felt disgusted with himself.

He was loose, broken and damaged.

Alex knew that.

And Lafayette did too.

Which is what pained him the most.

Still, Alex wasn't going to let Lafayette see him break. Even if it was killing him inside. So rather than compromise, say he was sorry and that they forget about this. Alex turned to the only other emotion he could play on, his temper.

Alex was like an old engine which had suddenly revved into life. All the tears that had filled in his eyes had vanished, his cheeks turned hot and Alex went back to his usual scowl.

"But it's all down to this girl, she's why you've ditched me!" He shot. Lafayette's brow rose up. "She's the reason why we're arguing!"

Lafayette gave Alex a look. "Do not blame her"

"Why not?" Alex snorted. "If you just had the balls to talk to me properly, then, we wouldn't be arguing -"

Lafayette made a 'tsk' and shoved Alex in the shoulder. Alex staggered and looked at Lafayette in disbelief.

This was not going to end well.

"Mind your own business!" Lafayette hissed.

"So it does involve her? Right?!" Alex pressed. "It's her! It's all her!"

And Alex shoved Lafayette this time in his shoulder. Lafayette hardly budged from it and Alex rolled his eyes.

Lafayette glared him down. "And what if it does?"

Alex made a low grumbling growl and he's clasping the side of his hair in stress.

"She is a part of my life too right now! I cannot just block her out!" Lafayette shouts.

With that Alex couldn't contain himself. His lid blew off.

"And now he talks! So, it's all coming out. Finally, christ. Alright, so now what? She miscarried and you have to take it out on me? You ignore me for weeks, throw on a mood and pick arguments with me whenever we do manage to spend time together" Alex said and then he takes a deep breath, Alex tries to gather himself since he's getting worked up.

The pair of them are all heated and red in the face.

"Look, I get it's shit, alright. Losing a kid, it's never nice and sure, it isn't what you wanted. But Laf, you're a student. She's a student. I am not saying it's a good thing but -"

Lafayette's whole being froze and he's staring at Alex with a stone cold expression. 

"You're in college. I'm in college. We're broke, well, actually, _I'm_ broke. But we've got our whole lives, you've got your whole life -"

"This is not about you" Lafayette snaps, his fists clenched. Oh, he's shaking and Alex stiffened at this. "Why must you always assume everything revolves around you? Do you hear yourself? Do you not think when you speak?"

Alex groans before muttering, "That isn't what I meant"

"You are not the one who has lost something here. I have, me. Alexander. You have never lost -" 

Alex's eyes went wide.

"I lost my mom, that was more than enough! I've lost my whole family! I don't have any family, _you_ do!" Alex shouted back, defensive as ever.

Lafayette's mouth dropped at this and after a small pause, he spits, "And so have I! I have no mother or father! I may have family, Alexander, but where are they?! They are not here! They never have been!" Lafayette realises what he had just said and shuts up. Alex's eyes narrow, he quirks up a brow. He's curious, what exactly could have Lafayette meant by that though.

Alex wanted to know more. He was aware Lafayette had a difficult upbringing and that he had been desperate to get to America to be away from them. However, he was sure there was more to his tale. Alex wanted to know everything about him.

"Good god, you are something else. Alexander, you really are." Lafayette muttered. Alex dropped his gaze, his expression sore and his shoulders slumped. "Regardless of how many times I have told you, to stay out of my affairs, you push me. You push and push and push."

Alex's heart sank.

He didn't like this, arguing. Not with Lafayette.

Never with Lafayette.

Not him.

"You cannot help yourself, with your catty comebacks, constantly prancing your wit and nasty remarks when you do not like something. You always have to bring a gun to a knife fight, every time, with everyone!" Lafayette shouts. Every word that flew out of his mouth wounded Alex's crumbling heart more and more.

Lafayette was never like this and it felt bizarre to witness such a gentle soul fire out all sorts at him.

"Just because I have been absent from our usual activities does not give you the right to blame me for how I currently feel. I am hurt, I just needed, space." Lafayette finishes, his voice slightly jittering. He looks away from Alex this time.

"Then you could've told me, you should've!" Alex said to him, desperately. "Rather than have me hanging on, making me feel like I've fucked up!"

"Fucked what up what?" Lafayette asks.

Alex dropped out his hands at his side, helplessly. He's tilting his head at Lafayette and he's unsure. So unsure of what to even tell him.

"Just... this. _Us_." Alex croaked.

"What us?!" Lafayette exsperated.

Alex runs a hand over his face, all while Lafayette booms.

"There is no 'us' Alexander!" Alex nods along, keeping his eyes down and heart just about pieced together still.

"Honestly... And why must I have to repeat myself?! I do not have to tell you everything that goes behind my closed door!" Lafayette hissed. "My life is not in debt to you, we are not a married couple! I do not have to tell you a single thing if I do not want to. I did not have to tell you about this, yet, I did and only because you pressed on, forcing me, again and again, like you always do!"

Alex looked absolutely shocked by this outburst.

"You do not own me" Lafayette told him.

Then Alex dropped his eyes to the floor.

"I never said I did" He said back, voice low and hurt seeped into it.

"You act like you do" Lafayette croaked.

Alex shot them back up and glared at Lafayette. "I don't?"

"Yes, you do. And it has to stop. Now." Lafayette instructed.

"Oh, get off your high horse! If you don't like what I gotta say, then go play happy families with that bitch then. See if I care." Alex sneered, childishly and rolled his eyes.

Lafayette scoffed. "You have the audacity to call her that? Alexander, you even introduced her to me at that party. You were the one who influenced me to create ties with her."

"And what a big fucking mistake that was, hell, the whole thing evidently was a _mistake_." Alex kicked himself for that.

Wrong move.

Lafayette's eyes went wild. Alex felt the sweat in his palms build. "Repeat that"

"What?" Alex mumbled, acting like he didn't know.

"Say that again" Lafayette pressed. "Alexander, say that one more time"

"Repeat what?" Alex said, a mocking smile played his lips and he narrows his eyes. "What?"

Lafayette kissed his teeth and spat out, "No wonder they call you rotten behind your back on campus. This is why! You are so -" Lafayette made a disgruntled noise and slammed a hand down on the desk behind him. 

"Like I give a fuck, they can call me whatever! If people can't handle my opinions, that's their problem! So what! And yeah, so, you and her got knocked up, big deal. People do all the time and people loose their brats all the time anyway. Hey, most of them end up in fucking foster care system!" Alex babbled. 

Lafayette's face was murderous. "You're really making this about you, again" And Lafayette shoves Alex.

Alex lost his balance, staggering back a little and his mouth dropped. So that was how it was then? Fine.

He'd had enough.

"Why because I told you the truth? She couldn't even hold down her shitty part time job in that sleazy ass bar, let alone have your kid and try to believe her art degree is honestly going to get her anywhere." Alex snapped and he rammed Lafayette in his chest. Almost sending Lafayette over his desk but luckily Lafayette caught himself.

"No because you had to implement your own fucked up childhood into my business and my loss. God, you really are a bastard. A selfish bastard." Then Lafayette pushes him again and it's harder. Alex winces at it but he laughs and Lafayette's eye twitches at the cockiness.

"Did I hit a nerve?" Alex sneered back.

"You know, it is no wonder your foster parents could not wait to be rid of you. You never know when to stop." Lafayette muttered and he's shifting himself up from against Alex's desk. "

"The fuck" Alex scoff, offended. 

"You go too far and you do not realise how hurtful your words are! And you have the audacity to bounce from person to person, opening your legs to everyone! Yet when I do it, you have an issue with it?" Lafayette shoots.

Alex swallowed the thick ball at the back of his throat. Lafayette did have a point and Alex knew he was right. He was getting jealous and Alex knew he had no right at all to.

"I never said I had a problem with you sleeping with other people" Alex snapped back. "I just wish you had not led me on! That you would have told me if you wanted to be with her, gave me some notice!"

"I never led you on! You made it certain I should see other people. And have a problem with her, you evidently do, face it. Alexander you are jealous."

Alex's eye twitched. He was and he knew that.

"Jealous? Of what? Her? Jesus, give me a little bit of credit here."

"Yes, her."

"Why? Because she's a woman?"

"Exactly that, you are terrified of my female partners." Lafayette told him. "Every time, you cannot bear them! Why is that? You feel as if you have competition?"

"Oh and I don't sleep with women either? Use your fucking brain" Alex barked.

Lafayette tilts his head back in slight distress and groans loudly. "No! Because you know she can give me what you cannot and you do not like that!"

"A baby? I'm male, idiot!" Alex snorts, bitterly. Lafayette looked at him like he was pathetic. 

"Oh mon dieu! You feel threatened by her. Admit it Alexander. And you have a problem with my female partners"

Alex couldn't deal with this anymore. Lafayette had hit the nail on the top of the head.

He was right.

Alex felt scared, worried, threatened. Because someone like Lafayette was a dime a dozen. And women fawned over him, Alex hated seeing them swarm around him like flies. Infact, anyone around him. But women were the ones who did it more. 

Alex's face crushed up and he's shoving Lafayette again this time he's walking away. "Laf, you know what. Just get out my face, fuck off." Alex growled over him. He held up and a hand as he shook his head.

No more.

Lafayette stood upright. "For someone so smart, Alexander. You are so, unbelievably, thick."

"Fuck off" Alex hurled. "Just fuck off!"

"Fine!" Lafayette cried.

"And you're even more fucking stupid -" Alex glared at Lafayette as he passed by him to go to the door. "You and your dumb ass mistake kid, alright. Yeah, keep walking bye. Good riddance, _literally_."

Well that did it.

Lafayette turned wild. His heels spun and he's throwing himself at Alex. The weight and size of him sent Alex over on his bed, he didn't realise it at first. The whole thing happened in the blink of an eye.

Alex was bawling and muffling underneath Lafayette who was pulling his long hair.

"You asshole!" Lafayette shouted, his mother tongue now kicking in and he totally forgets Alex too, also knows french. "You fucking prick! You say another thing about my child and I will rip off your head!"

So Alex changed up to French and he's spitting insults right back. He's going for Lafayette's face, hitting it and trying to claw Lafayette off of him. Gritting his nails, putting all of his hate and anger into trying to hurt him back.

But Lafayette was a lot stronger, much stronger. He kept Alex down and Alex was kicking out his socked feet, trying to budge him off.

"You did this! You caused all of this! You did this to me! You fucker! Get off me!" Alex whines. "Let the fuck go! Fucking get off me!"

Lafayette didn't. He had Alex pinned and kept his hair wrapped around his fist. Pulling it, Alex's face was going red and Alex was grunting, wincing in tears. It was agony. He'd done this to himself, he knew that. Alex only had himself to blame for pushing Lafayette over like this.

"Apologise" Lafayette hissed down at him.

Alex wasn't going to.

"Here's your fucking apology"

So instead of trying to be reasonable, he smacks Lafayette right across the face leaving a jolly good red imprint. It was enough to turn Lafayette's face. Alex went still, stiff at that moment and Lafayette's eyes were wide.

And just as expected, it came.

A good punch across the cheek.

Alex gasped at the force, it hurt like hell.

He deserved, like always. Alex, he knew that.

"There, you gratified?" Alex spit.

"I swear to god, Alexander, I'll knock you out." Lafayette threatened.

Alex lies there, he's in a motionless state. Dazed, shocked and breathing heavily. Lafayette goes to get off of him this time, he figures it's time to go. But Alex doesn't let him go anywhere when he's pouncing back on him and they're scrambling round on the bed sheets.

It was rather pathetic really.

"Get off me!" Alex grumbled. "Get off! Lafayette get the fuck off me!"

"Then get your hand off my hair!" Lafayette shouted. "Alexander, take your hands off"

They both tumble off the bed in a messy heap, landing on the floor with a joint grunt. Alex first and then Lafayette on top.

"Fucking get off!"

Alex thumps Lafayette on the back and Lafayette slaps Alex on the cheek. Both of them ridiculously brawling.

"You son of a bitch!" Lafayette shouts. "You have some nerve -"

"Fuck you!" Alex screams.

And they're hitting one another but it didn't last long. Alex huffed and he's kneeing Lafayette in the gut away off him with a burst of strength.

"Fuck this, go get your jacket, put on your fucking shoes and don't come back. Get out of here. Now." Alex snarled. "Fucking get out"

"As you wish, asshole" Lafayette mumbled.

Alex pulled himself back up on his crumpled bed and he sat there at the edge wafting a hand at Lafayette to go. So Lafayette makes a move, he's snatching his jacket from the back of Alex's chair and tossing it on.

Meanwhile Alex is tying his hair up with one of the hair bobbles from his wrist. His head still throbbed, pounding, over and over again, "Yeah, yeah. You've said your piece, do whatever. Scram, go back to her, go fuck her." Alex jeered.

He knew it was nasty. Alex watched the pained look on Lafayette's face, his eyes distant and Alex could feel himself break even more inside. His heart rapturing.

It didn't have to be like this, so why -

"Why you still here? Go, you want another smack?" Alex bitched. "Want s'more? Because if you do, I'll happily knock you so far back you'll land right back in fucking France!"

Then Lafayette storms on over again and leans down, closely to Alex. Their faces almost touching, Alex could feel the heat radiate from Lafayette and it was driving him crazy. This tension, their fury, it was playing with his head.

"Touch me again, Alexander. Do that again and I will rip your fucking face apart. Hear me?" Lafayette warned.

With that Alex gives Lafayette once last mighty shove. His two hands gripping Lafayette's t-shirt, not wanting to let go but he did. Just like he was throwing away everything they had.

All their talks, all their secrets they knew about one another. Their entire relationship, even if it was just based on sex. Alex hadn't planned for it to take this turn, for him to actually want to keep the strings to something that wasn't supposed to be attached.

He couldn't.

"Then go!" Alex bawled, now becoming teary-eyed. His breathing turned heavy and Lafayette saw this, his brow knit seeing Alex so distressed. "Hit me, beat me, I don't give a shit! Oh, fucking hell. Just go! Go back to her, you prick! Just go!"

"Fine" Lafayette said, blankly and so he started to walk over to the door.

Alex's eyes followed them, they're glazed and beady. He wiped his sore nose using the back of his sleeve, ridding any coming snot. Then his eyes since the tears were already present. He blew out a breath that felt like lead, his teeth shuddered and Alex is drumming his leg.

He couldn't do this.

Lafayette is kicking on his sneakers. Angrily wedging his foot into one of them. Alex watches and he doesn't know what to do, he wants to stop this.

"I don't need you" Alex coughed out in a hoarse voice. "I could get sex anywhere, you hear me? I can get anyone I want. I may have been the first dude you boned but you sure as hell ain't the last on my list. You frigid fuck. Like I need you, the fuck outta here."

Alex in anger leaned down and pulled out a sneaker from under his bed. He threw it at Lafayette but he easily missed it. 

"Get out!" Alex shouts. 

"Okay" Lafayette said, his voice was sharp, quiet. Expression vacant. "Good luck to you, Alexander."

And Lafayette got that other sneaker on quicker than the first time. He hissed under his breath when the lace dug into his ankle but continued to shove it on otherwise. He was desperate to get away. Alex didn't shift his eyes once, he proceeded to watch, frozen, tearfully.

"Anyone" Alex mumbled once more.

Lafayette gave one final nod and he's going for the door handle now that both sneakers were on. Alex didn't budge, he didn't move and his breathing felt like it had cut off completely when Lafayette had left out that door.

Once it shut and Alex was alone, the first thing Alex did was cover his mouth with a hand.

"Shit" He gasped to himself.

Alex was shaking.

His breath was all quaky and he's looking around at that minute, wondering what he should do. He's messed up big time, everything was over.

"Fuck" Alex sniffled and he's wiping a tear from his eye. "Fucking hell, Hamilton. You always do this. Fucking, stupid -"

Alex just choked up another sob.

This shouldn't hurt as much as it did. Not over a stupid college fling. Lafayette was his piece of rough, just someone he got high and heavy with under the sheets. His dick buddy, a charming, kindhearted, very clever and very beautiful one at that. That's all.

"Yeah" Alex murmured, sniffling and he's staring at his feet for a moment.

Then it was as if Alex were a robot, he's lifting himself and he's stood up. Alex was out that door like a bullet, he wasn't thinking and he didn't care.

* * *

Not caring about his keys still there in the door or the fact that he was in his old baggy top, or his old South Park boxers and socks. Alex was charging down the dorm halls like a rhino, he's skidding down the hallways almost breaking his neck down the few steps towards the exit and he's breaking out the main door.

It was late but there were a few people around. Most people were used to his antics by now so this was doing new. Alex panted and he's looking around frantically. Alex ran his hand over the back of his head as he's searching. There's no way Lafayette could've gotten away already, it hadn't even been five minutes.

No sign of him. Great. Just his luck.

Alex groaned and sighed. That meant he was probably going to be calling Lafayette up for the next month or so, trying to coax him on the phone with the help of his roommate. Another challenge where Lafayette was going to be doing his best to ignore him, once again.

No, this time it was different. Alex had to tell him.

Then there was a voice, Alex walks a little around the corner and his heart stops. He sees him.

Lafayette is talking to some guy, someone that lived a few floors up that Alex recognised and one he knew Lafayette had a class with. He had a bag of groceries, Alex figured he must've caught Lafayette on his way back.

They're talking and the guy's eyes shift from Lafayette, then on over to Alex who's stood there in the background. As his eyes shifted, the guy nodded over to Alex and Lafayette slowly turns.

Alex knows he looks like a sad case, he's stood in his underwear for christ sake. Lafayette didn't even flinch, he just frowns at Alex and the guy he was chatting to just laughs a little.

"Right, I see. Hey, Laf, bro. I'll catch up with you in Business. Take care, man." He says, giving Lafayette a quick pat on the shoulder and he's walking off past Alex.

Alex rolls his eyes seeing the smirk on the guys face.

"Nice gruds Hamilton" He said, it was a harmless joke but with the way Alex was feeling, he didn't feel like laughing.

Lafayette watched them both, he figured Alex wanted to talk to him. Alex rolled his eyes at the guy, he didn't have the time or energy for this.

"Piss off" Alex hissed.

Because that was fucking charming.

"Hey, hey, no need to get your panties in a twist" He laughed, he sped up though once Alex gave him a deathly glare. But his shoulders were still shuddering as he walked off.

Alex shook his head and closed his eyes, sighing. "Dickhead" He whispered to himself.

Then as he's opening his eyes they immediately meet Lafayette's. He's stood there infront of Alex, hands in his pockets, foot tapping away. He's waiting. Alex bit his lip, he was dreading this.

Sniffling and taking in another deep breath. Alex braced himself and walked up to him.

"Look, I don't want to fight" Alex said, softly. "I don't want to, Lafayette. I'm tired of arguing."

Lafayette tilts his head, he's staring deep into Alex's eyes for a moment before turning to look ahead and he's snorting.

"That's a first" Lafayette said.

"Lafayette" Alex spat, he didn't like where this was going. Alex took a step closer and Lafayette took once back.

Alex eyes were filling up again. "Laf"

"Here he is, once more. The life of the party, ready to start up more trouble. Showing off again." Lafayette fired.

Lafayette twisted his mouth and shrugged at Alex's face. He hadn't expected Lafayette to be so brash like that. It was so out of character, so unlike him. Then Alex wondered just what else he didn't know about this man he adored so much.

He longed to know.

Alex's brow furrowed and he's swallowing hard before saying, "Christ, I'm trying to be serious! Be serious, because I am!"

"I have been nothing but serious, with you, Alexander. You are the one who continued to throw your toys out of the pram when I chose to keep my business to myself. You childishly picked an argument, you provoked me into a pointless fight and you said such -" Lafayette stopped himself, he flickered his gaze down and his lips go into a straight line. His breathing goes heavy through his nose and Alex watches.

With a small breath escaping him, Alex reaches out for Lafayette's upper arm. The one which he hit earlier and hadn't meant to. But Lafayette shifts out of the way, Alex feels a pang of pain hit him. He doesn't blame Lafayette.

"I didn't mean what I said" Alex told him, quietly.

Lafayette's gaze doesn't budge on him once. Alex wait for it though.

"I was pissed off because -" Alex pauses, takes another breath and then adds, "You were right, I was jealous. I still am. I can't give you, y'know. A kid. Even if we were... together. Women have that power, they can give you a future and shit. I can't and I get it."

He's rambling.

Lafayette looked baffled.

"You obviously want all of that stuff and I'm just this loose canon, this filthy rotten hound you picked up from a bar fight one night who you fuck and hang out with from time to time." Alex tells him, he drifts his eyes away just as Lafayette places his on Alex.

"You were right, I am a dirtbag. Just this little lost orphan everyone wants a piece of or whatever. Yeah, sure, I can't keep my damn dick to myself, I drop my shit for cock or pussy in a heartbeat and I'll take it off almost anyone if they offer." Alex hisses through his teeth, his frame is shaking and it's not from the cold hitting his body.

"You think the same as everyone else! That I'm trash, something you can just _use_ and throw the fuck away when you get bored of it!" Alex cried and the tears were burning. Lafayette's eyes widened realising just what Alex meant.

"But I'm not -" Alex choked, crying.

"I'm not! You can't just lead me on, fucking use me and then forget about me. I've had this happen my entire life! I'm not your fucking experiment, Lafayette!'

Lafayette stood there, shocked, numb.

Alex jabbed his finger into his chest once more. "Y'know what, until now, I didn't mind spreading my legs for you. Just as long it meant us hanging out! I stopped giving a fuck about my other flings, I ain't even called them up in a long time, because, after I met you, you Laf, you're -" Alex was stuck, he didn't know where this was heading.

Lafayette didn't look happy that this was being turned around on him.

"Seeing you with her, it just - it sends me fucking bananas!" Alex blurted, he bunched up his hair bun and squeezed it, his face etching in pain. Lafayette watches in pure shock.

"I didn't mean to call her a 'bitch' okay, alright, she's a nice girl. It's just, you two. I can't -" Alex felt his breathing dip and he's scaring himself nearly. Lafayette scanned his eyes over Alex, clearly now concerned. "The other girls who eye you up, who have been around you, they piss me off sure. But not like this girl, she's different. And you both have this bond and it knocks me, so, sick!"

Lafayette sighs softly. His face suddenly softens and his eyes sympathise. He gets it now.

"She's not like me, she's good, pure and decent. Even if we were together, you couldn't bring me home with you to France. Not someone like me. She's everything I ain't, Laf. Literally." Alex snorted at the last part and he's wiping his eyes. "It hurts"

"Alexander" Lafayette tries once more.

"And you not talking to me, blocking me out. I just felt like you didn't want anything to do with me anymore. And I don't think -" Alex stopped there. "I don't know what I would do if you weren't there anymore"

There was a stretch of silence. The pair of them just looking into each others eyes, sirens were calling from afar somewhere in the city and they could hear a few kids shouting from over the way, probably playing some ball.

It was starting to get colder now, Alex could see his breath that bit clearer now that the street lights had come on and he's twisting his legs together to keep warm. Lafayette remained unmoving, he's thinking and Alex wished he could hear his thoughts.

"I do not understand. I mean, I never shamed you for that? Your lifestyle? What?" Lafayette stammered out. "Alexander, not once have I ever called you names or -"

So that's what it was.

Then Alex shoots his gaze back to Lafayette, their eyes daggering into one anothers. "No but that was what you were implying, right?" He waves a hand at Lafayette, he's not having it.

"Quit the nicey nice prince bullshit. You're non French soil anymore, you're in America, for fuck sake! You don't have to act all nice to me, so drop the whole goddam act. Your shit stinks just like everyone elses! You're no different -"

Lafayette snarls, his nose upturns and he lets his head go back. He can't listen to this.

"I have to go" Lafayette tells Alex, he starts walking off back down the block.

Alex hops on after him, he's following Lafayette there in his socks and winces when he steps on broken glass shards there on the side walk. Lafayette didn't stop and nor did Alex who's peg-legging it after him.

"Laf, oh god. Oh, my god. Lafayette, wait. No, no, wait. Come back, hey!"

"Go to bed" Lafayette muttered.

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said and I can't -"

"Lafayette!" Alex calls after him.

"Do not talk to me, I have had it with you!" Lafayette shouts, he's trying to hurry his pace, his longer legs taking him as far away as they could, but Alex was like a whippet.

"Laf, no, just listen!" Alex cries out and he's jumping infront of Lafayette. "Don't do this! Don't turn back now!"

Lafayette shakes his head, his face twists, he's so done with them and he looks like he's on the verge of a breakdown himself. Alex is already in tears and he's pulling at Lafayette's jacket.

"Just stay!" Alex shouts.

He's so glad that there was near to no one around. Most people were in the dorms now. "Alexander" Lafayette rasps. "Just leave it"

"No, I can't, I can't leave things like this. It's not right, I gotta just fix this, please" Alex pleaded. "Let me fix it"

Then Lafayette stops and he bursts out in full rage at Alex. "Fix what?! What is there to fix?!" He's wide-eyed and at rock bottom, screaming the odds.

"Us!" Alex bellowed back.

They didn't notice but a couple of lights in the dorm building and projects apartments from over the road had just turned on. But neither were in the mood for caring if they had woken up people.

Lafayette sarcastically choked out a breathy laugh, he's shaking his head and walking from side to side. "Us? Alexander, god. How many times... must... I tell you. There is no us. Okay? There is no me and you!"

Oh, they were walking on such a fragile line. Alex couldn't bear to see it break.

He frustratingly glared Lafayette down.

"There's something there! Dammit, I know there is!" Alex babbled. "You can't say there isn't! You feel it too, I know you do. You do."

Lafayette shook his head and Alex moves to clench the sleeve of Lafayette's jacket. He isn't letting him go. Alex's big brown eyes are right there and Lafayette can't look away.

"You do" Alex pushes.

"Alexander"

"You do" Alex says softly and he's nodding.

"Leave it" Lafayette growls.

"Look me in the eye, tell me you don't" Alex pleaded.

Lafayette just sighs, he's so agitated and pissed off. "Fucking hell" He mumbles in French.

And Alex takes Lafayette's other arm, he's got him and holding him in place. Lafayette doesn't fight him ether. They're both stood there catching their breath.

Alex chances it, he's nothing left to loose. He presses his forehead up against Lafayette's, he's on his tip-toes there in his damp socks, feet sore from broken glass, but he doesn't care. Their breathing comes out in ragged, cold puffs of air. The pair of them stood there, panting, relishing each others warm touch.

Then Alex moves his hands from Lafayette's arms and places them on Lafayette's cheeks. He can feel the slow growth of facial fuzz under his finger tips and the sensation sent electricity through his whole body. The tingles sent him into a frenzy and Alex almost went lightheaded from that alone.

Lafayette found himself shifting into Alex's touch. He didn't pull away which was a good sign.

"Laf" Alex murmurs, his voice like lambs wool and his touch was like sunshine. Lafayette cozied into it even more. Alex whirled his fingers into Lafayette's scruff gently.

Lafayette slowly moves his hands up to where Alex's were on his face and he overlaps them.

"You drive me crazy" Alex says, lowly. Lafayette snickers at that.

"Are you sure? That is an understatement, Alexander." Lafayette said to him, he's grinning.

Alex sees this and his heart flutters.

"Pretty sure" Alex felt a small smile creep on his lips. "You do. Lafayette, I like you."

At this though, Lafayette does pull back. Alex feels his gut drop and he's looking into Lafayette's eyes as they break away. Lafayette doesn't look revolved or too surprised though. That's a good sign, Alex figured.

Gathering himself for a second, Alex nods and quietly he says, "I like you, a lot. Like a hell of a lot. Fuck, no. No, Jesus. Lafayette, I'm kind of crazy about you." Alex admits.

Lafayette's bulged.

"I don't wanna be without you, ever. I can't, not you. You're one of the kindest, most sweetest, motherfuckers and oh god -" Alex can't stop now that he's started.

"I know I'm a prick, I forced my own shit on you and said horrible ass stuff. I'll step up, you hear? No more flings, no more side shit. I'm sorry, Lafayette. So, so, sorry. Babe, I didn't mean a word of it. I honestly didn't. I never wanted to hurt you." Alex told him, he had his heart in his mouth. He hoped this worked.

Lafayette tilts his head to the side as he listens, his smile is weak but it does grow slightly.

"I want to go back to the basics, I want to make things right, but only if you want that. Alright? It's taken me, forever to tell you this and I know the timing is fucking awful. I'm useless, I'm stupid and I don't deserve you and -"

But Alex was cut off when he felt his lips captured.

Lafayette was kissing him.

The kiss was sweet and short. Yet still enough it almost knock Alex off his feet though and this time he really does go lightheaded. Lafayette caught him before he stumbled on his ass. Although Alex wasn't sure if it was the cold, the tiredness from the drama or Lafayette.

Probably everything, he decided.

As they broke the kiss, Lafayette's eyes burrowed into Alex's and he's smiling properly this time. That single dimple Lafayette had in his cheek was popping, Alex always found it so endearing and Alex reached out to whirl his thumb in it lovingly.

"Alexander" Lafayette sighed. "What am I going to do with you"

Then it hit Alex.

"Date me" Alex immediately blurted.

"Date you?" Lafayette repeated.

"Yeah, for real. Like, be together. Have us two, y'know, be a thing. For real, Laf. I want to be your boyfriend." Alex told him, sniffling and he's breaking out into a small chuckle.

Lafayette's eyes widened and he went stiff.

"I mean, I thought we were... something?" Lafayette asks him. "At least, something other than just friends with benefits when we first started regularly seeing each other. But I always assumed you wanted just sex. So I thought, that was all we were and when you tried to rule over me like that. I was not sure if you were serious about what we had."

Alex gasped and he shakes his head at him. "Laf"

"You were never clear, ever. We go to parties with each other, Alexander. We study together, we go out together in the city, we eat together and we sleep together all the time. But you never said, you never told me. There was just too many miscommunications to be had."

Alex felt his stomach tie in knots. True.

"- And so, I decided to be with someone else. And it was good, with her. For a while." Lafayette added.

Alex chews his lip, he gets it.

"It is just that the result wasn't... it did not end well. I needed time and I have never had this happen before to me. A miscarriage is a different type of loss, not the same as my parents, but I -"

Alex pressed a kiss to his lips and pulled back, shutting him up.

"Hey, hey. Look, don't have to explain anything to me. If you need time, that's fine. But if you want to talk about it, properly, we can do. I think we need that, to just sit down and properly talk, Laf." Alex said, softly. "We have to start saying what we what, tell each other boundaries and stuff. Okay?"

"I agree" Lafayette said back. "I want to work this out, to make amends. But, do know, I forgive you."

Alex's eyes softened at him. He had said some horrible things and here was Lafayette, forgiving, with a big heart as usual.

"- I did not realise, you held feelings too."

Alex couldn't stop smiling. "Seriously... you catch on really fucking slow."

"I did not know!" Lafayette cried, grinning.

Pulling him down again for another kiss, Alex didn't hold back this time and he planted his tongue into Lafayette's mouth. It was bold and he felt a pair of hands on his hips. Slowly, they wrapped around his waist and dragged him in close.

Alex moaned from the impact of just ramming into Lafayette like that and he's humming happily. Alex winds his arms around Lafayette's neck. The kiss turned extremely passionate, their hearts crowned with jewelled seraphic angels dancing around it. Both of them were walking on clouds and Lafayette hugged Alex tight.

"Mmph - Lafayette!" Alex whelped. He felt like a giddy school girl.

The one where the nerd gets the man.

It surprised Alex went he couldn't feel the ground for a second as Lafayette hoisted him up.

He was really was walking on air.

As they parted, they spent a moment with their heads just together, breathing in each other and Alex licked away the bit of saliva that had popped on his upper lip.

More sirens blasted in the background and music played from the nearby park. Street kids were probably up to know good. Alex wasn't bothered, nothing scared him, only losing this guy, who was right here, where he was supposed to be. In his arms.

"I know -" Alex stopped but Lafayette coaxed for him to carry on. "Alright, okay. I know, this might a bit soon but do you want to come back in with me?" Alex asks him.

He can feel Lafayette nod against him. Then they're standing upright.

"Not for sex" Alex said, sternly.

He shoots Lafayette an solid stare. Lafayette arches up a brow, as if he truly didn't believe that.

Alex ends up spluttering and snickering. "I'm trying to be romantic and shit here. You want me to be serious, right? Laf, I'm trying to be. I want to be, for you. No sex, just, I just want you to..."

Lafayette's big grin shrunk and it stayed soft. "What is it? Hm?"

Alex looked down at that moment, he felt so vulnerable. Something he never often felt with others, not with his personality. That never happened.

"Just hold me, please." Alex whispered. "I just want that, you there by my side. That's all. That's all I will ever want, you."

"I want that too" Lafayette said back. "And, Alexander."

Alex turned to him.

"I want you too" Lafayette beamed.

And that was it. Alex's entire face turned into mush and he's overjoyed.

Lafayette held him and then he's reaching down into his jacket pocket. Alex looks down to see what he's doing. "Laf?"

"I was going to ask you earlier before we began to argue. But just as friends and now I would be happy if it were to be an official date" Lafayette said slowly, he didn't sound so sure.

"Huh?"

Then Lafayette is pulling out what looked to be two tickets. Alex narrows his eyes at them, he looks at Lafayette all confused.

"Are those?"

"Tickets" Lafayette states. "Yes"

"Oh?" Alex's eyes went bright and his heart skipped.

Alex's cheek hurt from smiling away.

"Uh, yes. Erm, um. Please come and see 'The Smashing Pumpkins' with me?" Lafayette asks him.

It was coy and cute. Alex couldn't take it anymore. He's grabbing Lafayette's entire face and just kissing every inch of it. Lafayette had to pull him off, he's belly laughing and they're being too loud.

"Sh, sh. We will wake your neighbours!" Lafayette says.

"Ah, pfft. Fuck the neighbours, they're loud when I'm out of it tryin' to sleep off my hangovers in the day." Alex shrugged. Lafayette shook his head but laughed more. "But oh my god! Yes! God, hell fucking yes! I'm going with you. Ain't even a question, Laf. You know this! Jesus. Yes!"

And Alex grabs him for yet another kiss and Lafayette moans into it softly.

"Awesome" Alex whispers against his lips, he's gazing into Lafayette's eyes.

Lafayette went almost bashful. It was so intimate, compared to what had happened over an hour ago when all hell had broken loose. He could not believe his luck.

"Perfect" Lafayette whispered back.

With another kiss and Lafayette offering his hand, Alex took it. They turned to the dormitory building and headed back.

"What time do we go and when?" Alex asks.

"Eight in the evening and it is this friday" Lafayette informed him. "I will be picking you up, so be ready."

Alex nudged his side into him and laughed. "Such a damn gentlemen"

"Of course"

Snorting, Alex says, "Picking me up, as if you aren't gonna be practically living with me now."

Lafayette laughs. "You never know"

"Oh, yeah. You throw a pretty damn good punch by the way babe" Alex said to his boyfriend. "I dunno which I feel more still, your kisses or your punch."

"Mm and you are rather feisty with those hands, lovely." Lafayette laughed.

A pitch of silent casted over them as they went back inside.

"My underwear is coming off as soon as we get back, ain't it?"

"Well, you did make it easier." Lafayette tells him.

Alex grinned cheekily. "Didn't even notice, baby. I did not even notice."


	4. WHEN IT ALL CRASHES DOWN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's a sixteen year old brood here, an everyday mood and he's basically fathering his sibs. He's the daddy here yo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song inspiration for this chapter is Drive by Incubus
> 
> "Whatever tomorrows brings, I'll be there"

Hollowness ate him up, day in and day out. John had seen the dark before and since then he had never really left it.

John sniffled at the sight of himself there in the mirror.

He did not have anymore tears left to shed.

Not one.

But he had to put on a face, the one that was going to get him through another day.

With a clear of the throat John finished drying his face. He hated mornings like this when he would try to wake up from a restless nights sleep. Usually nightmares kept him up, his mind screaming and a torturous memory relived its self. He was awake even when he was asleep. And John hated how even after three years, his grief had never shifted.

John ruffled at his long curls with a towel roughly leaving frizz and threw it into the hamper before heading out the bathroom. Tired, John tossed on some clothes, it didn't really matter what he wore. A top, his holey grey hoody, a pair of old jeans and his beat up converse would do just fine for today.

It was only school and John couldn't wait for the next two years until he was out of the hell hole. But finding the urge not to set that dump ablaze was becoming tricker by the day.

Not that he had a too much of a hard time with his peers, John usually just kept out of the way. It was better for him to keep his head down through high school and just focus on his work.

But ever since that incident in class where John overheard someone speak about him, literally two desks behind. John had heard two guys mutter his name and how John wasn't invited to some party since they assumed he was gay.

And something lame about how they would have to stand against the walls all night if he came. John had snarled at that comment, spun around in his chair and cast them probably one of the nastiest stares he could muster.

It shut them up though. He may be a quiet introvert, but John wasn't going to stand for that shit. He wasn't going to be a target and he was not a pushover.

So with school, it was better to keep to himself and his small group of art geek friends. It was just easier to spend lunch and breaks in the art room, dicking around in there rather than the cafeteria where all the idiots usually hung out.

But John just felt tired, sick of school and life in general.

Everyday, was like a weight on his back.

John had to suck it up though and carry on. Pretend he was fine, everything was fine.

With that John decided he best start up his day. He heads downstairs, as he's jogging down them, John sees his father down there in the hallway. He was up and all ready for work. It was always him and John up first, even on weekends.

As John raced off the last few stairs, he goes on up to his father who's passing the front door. His father was flickering through his phone, scanning the many messages and god knows how many emails. Sipping on a steamy cup of joe, his morning cigarette smell there on him too. Nothing ever changed.

Skittishly, John looked over to the small table in the doorway and saw nothing was there. Only except a few envelopes with their bills in which were already opened, a plant and a bowl full of keys.

"Say, uh, Dad, did the mail come yet?" John asks him. "Waitin' on a letter"

"What for?"

"Just this art school, I'm already lookin' at some options and I think starting earlier it's better -" John babbled and he's looking over a few of the letters just incase.

"Art school" Henry Laurens said, sounding almost comical.

"Yeah" John says, his voice lowering. He puts the mail back down, nope those weren't what he wanted.

"For a hobby?"

"No" John scowled. "For college"

"John" Henry Laurens nodded but he sighed. "I think we ought to have a chat about -" Then his phone started to ring. "One second"

"Look, Dad you know I've always wanted to -"

"Let's put that idea on hold for now. We'll speak about it later." He told John.

Henry Laurens fled off into the living room leaving his heartbroken son stood there by the front door.

John's breathing picked up, it turned heavy, angry. He's glaring at his father leave and then at the floor. He just could never seem to win with him. John's brow creased up and he's letting out a jittery breath.

He holds it together. Like always.

Then darts his eyes to the door. John stares at it and reaches for the handle. He clasps it tightly, twisting it ever so but never actually opening it.

"One day" John murmured to himself.

He was leaving this house.

But until that day, John was just going to have to pull through.

* * *

The first person John would always wake up was his youngest brother and their youngest sibling, James.

Mostly because he was too little, too clumsy, too unorganised to do anything by himself. But John didn't mind, James and him were close. Besides Martha, on a good day when she wasn't in a rut. Their father was often too busy to deal with James, sometimes he would give John a hand with him but that was quite rare. Whenever he did their father acted as if it were a chore and always left John to it anyway.

Eventually it became easier if John just managed James himself. Plus James was the only one whoever listened to him.

Which felt nice even if he was in preschool.

As John entered his bedroom, all ready to wake him up for preschool. John was surprised to find James already sat up awake but even more shocked to find him crying.

James was sat up, wiping his big brown eyes with his sleeve and making all kinds of heart wrenching squeals. John's heart quenched at their sound and immediately fleeing over to his side whilst minding not to trip over any of the mega blocks scattered all on the floor. Sighing, John made a mental note to shift them later.

So John takes a seat on the end of his brother's bed and collected James into his arms.

"Jimmy, hey, hey, what's wrong?" John asks his little brother.

John's eyes worriedly scanned over James looking for what could be wrong. James continued to cry though and he huddled into John's chest. John didn't mind if his top was already ruined with snot, it wasn't anything new with his siblings. All his good clothes got ruined with them eventually. He could always change before they left for school anyway.

Sighing, John rakes his fingers through James's silky thick curls. They were a lot shorter than his own and a lot darker, much like their mother's.

So John does his best to calm him down. He continued to tousle James's hair and rock him.

"Aw, no, honey, why you cryin' for?" John asks.

James still continued to weep.

"Bad dream?" John asked.

But a shake of the head came.

"No? Um, have you got tummy ache? Want me to get you something for it before school?"

Again, it was a nope. James shook his voice.

That could only mean one thing. John closed his eyes for a second and sighed. Then very slowly, lowering his voice, he asks. "Did you pee the bed again?"

This time, James nodded. Curls stuck to his wet chubby cheeks and he cries more.

"Hey, sh, sh. Deep breath, it's okay. I'm here." John reassured him and he's pulling James into his arms. "Bud, I'm here. It's fine, we'll sort it."

"Don't let Mary and Henry see... they make fun of me so much." James sobbed. "Mary keeps pickin' on me"

"I won't, you know I won't. And Mary, heh. Yeah, well, it's going to stop. I'll have words with her, _again_. But don't listen to them, okay?" John gives him a little nudge, James looked up at him with teary eyes. "Hey, everyone wets the bed when they're little. I used to, Marty, Mary and Henry. Y'know, Henry didn't stop peeing the bed until he was nine? You grow outta it." John says softly.

James wept again and he's spiralled into a hiccuping mess. John picks him up from under the arms and grunts a little as he does. "You're getting too big for this" John told him, heaving out a hefty breath. "Know that?"

"I like it when you carry me" James said, smiling into John's shoulder.

John chuckled. "Pfft, don't I know it, alright. Let's get you into the bathroom and get you washed."

Giggling when John tickled his sides mostly to get his brother grinning again, John got him out of his soggy pyjamas and got James into the bath. James went up his little stool and into the bath. John got the shower rolling, he gave him a quick wash and dried James off. It would've been easy if James got himself dressed but John had to give him a hand.

James didn't cooperate all the time, he was little, kind of slow with instructions and liked to jump around thinking it was funny when John was trying to be serious.

After getting James settled, stood in place properly and calmed him down from being too hyper. John popped on a white vest and some pants for now. James was complaining he was hungry and John decided it would be easier to feed him, then finish dressing him after breakfast. Besides, he had the whole house to sort out before the morning was over.

With no help at all.

* * *

After banging on the doors of his other siblings John had given up and had grown tired of their grouchy attitude. So John gave up, he figured if they weren't getting up then they'd just have to catch the bus and John would run James in.

With James in his arms John went downstairs and entered the living room. An extra pair of hands would be nice to get everyone up but as usual his father was on call. Work always seemingly came before family in this house.

And John could already hear him from the dining room next door.

John softly hushes James as he's jibber jabbering away in some high squeaky voice and John, while feeling slightly uncertain, he knocks on the side of the door to get their father's attention.

"Hey, uh, Dad" John calls, quietly.

Their father was on the phone, yet, again.

Henry Laurens was writing something down and looking at his watch as he spoke to whoever. John needed his attention though and a hand with everyone else. His siblings just weren't listening and John was sick to death of doing all the work.

James squirmed around in his hold and muttered how he was starving. John hoisted him up a little, balancing him on his hip and John couldn't lie though. James really was putting on a bit of weight. It was puppy fat but he was piling on more pounds than everyone else had when they were his age.

John hadn't said anything about his weight, James didn't need that at his age, that was the last thing a little kid needed. A life time of constant struggle and body dysmorphia, John couldn't deal with that too. But it didn't help Mary and Henry liked to make sly remarks from time to time about a four year old's belly fat.

If anything that would shed over the coming years. But today, that didn't matter. Getting up and ready was a challenge alone with his crew. John sighs and he knocks on the door again, harder this time.

"Dad" John said, louder, angrier.

This time it does grab their father's attention, Henry Laurens lifts his eyes from his notepad and on to both his sons there in the doorway. It was the way he did it, looked up at them as if it were a drag. John hated how he was made to feel like they were all a chore. They were a family, or, so he thought.

As John was about to speak, their father shook his head casting John a disapproving look. John frowns at them.

"Dad, I gotta talk to you -" John tries, but nothing.

Henry Laurens didn't want to know.

James looks up at John, his thumb in his mouth and he's kicking his legs, not really aware of it all.

Then John rolled his eyes when Henry Laurens turned his back to him.

"Dad, this is important, it's about James and -"

"I'm busy" Henry snapped.

John's brow raised up and he's giving his father daggers before leaving and storming off into the kitchen. John didn't forget to slam the door shut either. He knew he would be in some shit for that later but whatever.

Their father may bring the money in to run the house but in terms of actually being father, Henry Laurens was a useless sack of shit.

"I swear we need Mary Poppins in this damn house" John muttered to himself.

"Who's that?" James asks, curiously, eyes big.

John stifles a low laugh and shakes his head. "Don't you worry about it"

"What is it?"

"Me" John responds.

He places James on the counter and flicks on the kettle.

"Are you making coffee?" James asks, wide eyed. "Daddy has coffee, it smells weird."

John shakes his head. "Nah, it's just easier to make your oatmeal that way. We haven't got time to cook it on the stove."

"Yay!"

John had to laugh. This kid's enthusiasm though.

"You gotta brush your teeth afterwards, okay?"

"But I just took a shower"

"You haven't brushed your teeth yet"

James nods.

"Good" John tells him. "Then I'll get you dressed for school."

"Ugh" James whined. "I don't wanna go"

"Too bad. Right, have you packed your bag?" John asks, he's grabbing James's plastic blue bowl and pouring in some oatmeal.

James nodded again. "Yep!"

"Do I need to sign anything? Any field trips? You gotta have any shots?" John is grabbing the last of the milk from the refrigerator.

Then James shook his head. "Nope!"

"Okay, good. But if you do need shots, tell me and Dad. Right, I've got your lunch ready for you, so we'll have to pack that too. And you _will_ eat your carrot sticks, Jimmy, no chocolate."

James pouted and kicked out his leg. He knew exactly what John was talking about. The whole chocolate scenario hadn't gone amiss.

"But it was only one Reeses!"

Shaking his head, John scolded him. "No, it was _twelve_ Reeses cups. Your teacher told me because you were sick from them. You don't like peanut butter, James. You know your tummy can't handle it. Also I told Mary off for giving them to you."

"Aw..." James sulked.

"Not 'Aw', you can't stomach them, well not twelve of them, god and they've so much sugar. Okay, right, so, you've got a chicken sandwich, carrot sticks, some apple slices, yogurt and your milk. You won't starve."

"But... I could?" James added and he's giving John big eyes.

John held back his smile. He wanted to give James ten out of ten for that. Oh this kid.

"Ha, nice try. Also, stop biting holes in your socks, you've got like three pairs left without any. Which reminds me, we gotta stop by Target after school. _And_ it's snowing out today, so you're wearing a sweater -"

"But they're so itchy!" James complained.

John sighed. "Well, we'll put one on that isn't itchy on you. You're wearing one, the last thing you need is to get sick. Jimmy, we've got an hour to get ready. Hun, you hear me? An hour. Not much time. I still have to change your sheets, put them in the washing machine, make sure everyone else is up and ready. Then change my top because you snotted all over it before I drop y'all."

"How long is an hour?" James asked.

"Not enough time" John replied. He's pouring in the milk for Jame's oatmeal and then tossing away the carton.

"Don't we have cereal? Like normal cereal? I want Captain Crunch!" James huffed.

John nods. "We do, but you're having oatmeal. It's good for you, brain food."

"Ew!" James cried.

"You like it" John tells him. The kettle is steaming now and John is adding the hot water to the bowl before giving it a stir.

"Where's your breakfast? You never eat breakfast" John asks, with a pout.

John stiffened at that question.

He never did.

But John hated how James noticed this. It was such an unhealthy thing for him to pick up on from a young age too.

"I'll grab something at school"

Then again, John could never stomach food early in the morning. He didn't eat enough much anyway. He wasn't a big eater and never had been growing up. Even when their mother was here, she often told him off for not eating enough. John knew it was his own fault, it wasn't a good look either being too thin for his height either.

Tall and skinny.

Lately though John had noticed he was getting too skinny. He was too stressed to care about eating. But with the remarks some people gave him at school, John knew that he eventually wanted to pork up a little. Start hitting the school gym and putting on some muscle at least, because right now he resembled a limp noodle.

With little to no muscle on his arms, his thighs and legs were the equivalent to knots on cotton. His stomach was just flat as a pancake and John could see too much rib if he stretched. He wasn't on deaths door but he was smaller than he would've liked. He was surprised his ass hadn't let him down yet, at least that had a bit of cushion. It was cute, plump and perky. So, that was something, he guessed.

"Do you hate looking after us all?" James asked, he's reaching for the oatmeal, meanwhile John is picking up the bowl and giving it a blow. The thing was piping hot and he didn't trust James enough to be careful not to burn himself.

"No" John replied, creasing his brow a little at that question.

"You always look so tired n' you're so grouchy" James said and he makes grabby hands for the bowl.

"School does that" John shrugged.

"You sure?"

"Yes, Jimmy. Yes." Because seriously. His little brother was adamant. So nosey.

"You don't look sure" James mumbled.

John gave his younger brother an exasperated look. "What's with all the questions? Honey, I'm fine. Stop worrying. Kay? Let me worry. I'm the one who's supposed to do that. I'm a grown up, it's my job."

'But you're not a grown up" James told him, frowning.

John made an exaggerated gasp and faked a shocked face. "I am"

"No you're not! Daddy is a grown up, you're sixteen!"

"Still the oldest out of y'all, so, technically I am kinda grown up." John chuckled.

"You aren't as hairy as Daddy yet, you're so small too and you don't have big scary muscles yet! So, you're not a grown up." James stated.

John shared a glare with his brother

"Eat your breakfast"

And John put the bowl down, he dug a plastic spoon in the oatmeal and James, despite his complaints over what was on the menu for breakfast. He went to chow down immediately.

"Watch, it's hot. Blow it." John told him.

"Kay!" James sang.

While his brother ate, John got himself a glass of water and guzzled that down. John turned for a second and caught sight of the bread there on top of the Tupperware. He thought perhaps he should grab a slice of toast, something to mellow his stomach until first period but John just couldn't bring himself to eat.

The thought of eating wouldn't help the horrid stir in his gut. John's constant anxiety brewing inside of him like a storm. He hadn't slept much the night before either, that wasn't uncommon. John usually fell asleep at around one or two. Being a teenager was hard enough and then having to parent his other younger pubescent teenage siblings was even more difficult.

James however was shovelling in his breakfast just fine and John got himself another glass of water. He finished guzzling it down and just as he put the glass down he heard thudding.

He closed his eyes for a moment, heaving out a small breath and braced himself for what was to come.

"Great" He murmured to himself. "And here we go, again"

And if on cue Henry and Mary burst into the kitchen. The two of them, double trouble, in tandem, roaring at the top of their lungs. Banging around down the stairs and John could hear their father hush them outside in the hallway. But they never listened, John figured that their father was still on the phone too.

So John lifts himself upright from leaning on the counter, he's ready.

"You're such an ass!" Mary spat at Henry. "I'm a girl, I gotta use the bathroom first! I can't hold it in like you can! You're a boy, you can piss outside!"

John sighed and he's covering half his face with his hand. Oh god.

Henry shoved her in the shoulder and she went into the side of the washing machine. James stared at John worriedly and John figures he needs to step in. He can't be having them going to school with black eyes and bruised lips.

"Fuck off" He snarls at her.

The way they spoke to each other was appalling. John scowls at them.

"Make me!" Mary shouts.

"What the hell" John hissed. "The pair of you, be quiet! Stop arguing, it's literally only just turned half seven in the morning. The day hasn't even begun yet! Can y'all just pack it in?"

"Yeah, be quiet!" James chimed.

John looked over to him and sighed. "Jimmy" John mumbled. He really didn't need their youngest brother trying to get involved in this ruckus.

"Like we're gonna listen to a baby elephant who still wets the bed" Henry scoffed. "Move out the way" He pushes Martha to get to the fridge.

John's mouth dropped.

"Elephant?" James repeated. "Me? I'm an elephant?"

"Ignore him" John told James firmly.

"Henry move out the way!" Mary huffed.

"I swear to god, y'all need to start respecting each other. For gods sake, we go through this everyday. Quit it. Both of you."

"Whatever" Henry snapped and he's looking in the fridge. "Why we always out of damn milk? God, I hate this house!" John, Mary and James all winced at the force of the fridge door banging. John growls, he's ready to pounce and give Henry the biggest beatdown of his life if he carries on.

"Watch your mouth" John scolded.

"You ain't in charge" Henry told John and rolled his eyes.

John glowered at his brother. God, Henry was such an asshole at times. Well, almost all of the time. Out of all his siblings John did not get on with him. He didn't even know why because Henry was such a loving kid when they were younger, John and him used to be cool, they hung out quite a bit.

But once Henry got into football and wanting to show off about his middle school popularity since people considered good looking. He had become big headed and a moody teenager. It had rubbed off on the rest of them at home and John wasn't putting up with it.

"No?" Then he slaps Henry right over the back of his head and James winces. "Alright, you can _walk_ your own ass to school then"

Henry scoffed.

"And you can start by making your own breakfast, I ain't doing it. Not with an attitude like that, the pair of you. Grab some toast, quickly, then get dressed. Now." John told them and he turns back to James.

"But yet you're making him breakfast" Mary whined.

"He's four" John snapped.

"I'm four and a half!" Jame chirped with a victorious clap.

"Baby" Mary teased.

Henry scoffed. "No wonder we're outta food all the time, he's getting fatter by the day."

"I'm not a baby!" James whined. "And I am not fat!"

John gave Henry a cut look. "Henry" He barked. "Can you not!"

"You pee the bed! You pee the bed!" She laughed.

"I do not!" James whines and he's throwing down his bowl on the counter top in a mood. Half the oatmeal went over and some of it on his pants. John tilted his head back and gripped his nose bridge.

This couldn't be happening.

After he had just gotten James dressed too.

"You do!" Both Mary and Henry shouted.

John almost blew a gasket. He's tossing bowl into the sink quickly, grabbing the cloth and muttering how the thing was ringing wet. John tossed it back down and got the sponge instead. He's swiping up the spilt oatmeal and launching that back in the sink.

All of them watched John work his magic in amazement.

"Right, all of you. Can it. Mary, upstairs, Henry, upstairs." John growls, he can't take this. Not today. His own hormones are all over the place and inside John was screaming. "Now!"

"I'm sick of you always ordering us around" Henry huffed.

"Then stick to the schedule, it's a school day. You know this." John hissed back.

"You're always bitchin' down our ears"

"Like I said, get yourself ready and I won't have to. I shouldn't even have to wake you, Jesus. Set your fucking alarm. You're fourteen, you're not a baby. Grow the fuck up." John spat.

"Oh, shut up, fucking cocksucker" Henry muttered.

That did it.

John wasn't having it.

He snapped.

"What?" John immediately rounded on Henry, grabbing on the neck of his t-shirt. Henry scowls at him. "You wanna repeat that?"

Henry's eyes bulged, he hadn't expected this. John often got mad, huffed and gruffed at them but never to this extent. Mary was snickering at the whole thig finding it hilarious and poor little James was in shock. John almost had Henry lifted up off the floor and that shut him up.

"Get off!" Henry cried.

"Nah, I wanna hear what you just called me, go on, repeat it, big man" John pushed.

As expected Henry said nothing, his chicken shit self couldn't muster up any smart excuse this time. John left him go and Henry fell back against the kitchen table. It skidded slightly and one of the chairs on the other side fell over. Clattering and they all winced.

There was nothing but angry tension in the room which fell into silence. Henry glowering at John and John gritting his teeth. Mary was there between them both stunned and little James didn't know what to do.

"You guys -" Mary let out, meekly. But she was cut off right away by Henry, who couldn't hold in his spit fire.

"You think you're so special, always giving the orders, acting like number one in the family. You're nothing special." Henry sneered. "You ain't Dad, I ain't gotta listen to you."

"You're seriously up my ass today" John warned him.

"You'd love that"

"Hey, you two, knock it off!" Mary whined. "You're always fighting!"

"Ain't my fault, he's always bitchin' n' bitchin'!" Henry barked at her.

"I wouldn't have to if you just listened to me!" John shouted back.

"And he's always giving him -" He points at James and it sends the youngest sibling cross-eyed. "All the damn food! He's eating everything! That's why he's so fat!"

"I swear to god, Henry. Keep going off about his weight and I will smack you. Hard." Because John would. He wasn't kidding.

James's head bent down and his feet are scrunched up. He looked hurt and John's heart broke seeing that insecure expression on someone so young.

"Henry let's just get dressed" Mary said, she tried pulling on his arm but Henry it off.

But before Henry and Mary could leave the room. John made sure he was the first out. He's picking James up and leaving the kitchen. He didn't want their little brother to be around this.

He didn't deserve that, James had done nothing wrong.

* * *

Annoyed, stressed and weary, John rushed back upstairs with James. He could hear their father moaning and groaning on the phone, he also heard his name being called. John guessed their father probably wanted in on what was happening. It was too late because John wasn't going to dive into another pointless argument today.

Time was ticking, it was almost time to leave and they weren't even ready yet.

Quickly John is pulling off James's soaked pants and replaces them with his little jeans.

"James, leg up, c'mon, we haven't got time for games" John groans at him as he's trying to put on the last trouser leg. "So that's not only the bed sheets but the trousers too. Right, okay. Jesus."

James lay there and he's looking up at John with a worried face. John is pulling up his jeans and catches sight of his brother's face. John stops for a moment when he sees that sullen look. He bites his lip and sighs, he knows what's wrong.

"You okay?" John asks, concerned and he's doing the zipper up for him. "Hey?"

With a little nod, James sits up then. "I'm okay" He says, voice low.

John gives him a small smile. He reaches to ruffle James's curls and pats them sweetly. "I'm sorry you had to see that. It won't happen again."

James shrugs. "Yeah" He didn't sound sure. John knew this kid knew it would and that hurt terribly. James was prone to it all now and he shouldn't be. The last thing John ever wanted was for James to witness his ugly side, the violent streak had when people pissed him off enough.

The side of him that lashed out and usually ended up punching them in the face. Charles Lee, now he was a great example.

So John gives him another little soothing pet. It's best they just move on and change the topic. Hitting his knees, John puts on a false smile and he cheerfully cries, "Okay! Time to decide what top we're going to put on today. Which one you having then?"

And the mood changes. James's eyes light up, sparkling and he's waving his hands around all happy. "Spiderman!"

"Spiderman?" John asks him, grinning. "Not Batman? Or not even, uh, what are they called... Octonauts?"

"I don't want those! No! I want Spiderman!" James whines.

"Alright, alright. Geez, long gone are the days of Play House Disney's Bear In The Big Blue House." John snorts.

"What's that?" James questions.

John waved him off. James would never know. "Alright, Spiderman it is, you want the t-shirt?" He asks, while going over to the closet.

"Yeah! But I wanna I wear my Spiderman sweater too?"

John nods. "Sure bud"

"John" James called, softly, he's grabbing his little Pet Patrol wellies from under his bed.

"Yeah?"

"Am I fat?"

Then John's heart sank.

"What?" He said.

"Henry said I was"

"No, you're not. You're perfect. There is nothing wrong with you." John told him, staring James dead on in the eyes. "You're beautiful, you're healthy and you're going to grow up, be even more cool, strong and awesome than the rest of us. Okay? You'll be way more cooler than Henry."

"Really?" James asks, grinning.

"Really, really!" James says, finally smiling back. "He's mean, take no notice."

"But you, Mary, Henry aren't fat! I have a big tummy, you don't, Mary doesn't, Henry doesn't! Oh, wait, um, Martha has a big butt" James stated. "But my tummy is big, soft n' squishy and Henry said -"

"Oh, Jimmy. No, no. Ignore him, he's horrible. You're normal. You're fine." John huffed.

John pulls over James's top and sweater for him.

"Don't forget to get your lunch out the refrigerator and your milk" John told him. "And brush your teeth! Don't forget!"

"I won't!"

After they're done and finished, John is telling James to meet him downstairs. James pleading for him to be carried down but John would rather not have James be in the middle of his upcoming quarrel with Martha. So he sent James downstairs and asked him to just wait for a little while since he was ready for school.

* * *

After James had gone, John went round to Martha's room. The very last one on the end of the hall, well on the second floor it was only John's own room, James's and Martha's while everyone else's were on the third floor.

John gave her door a few light knocks, he never pounded the door down like he did with everyone else to get them up.

Martha was difficult.

Softly John opens the door, he pokes his head around the door to peak and she's lay there in a crumpled mess under her sheets. Martha with her back to him, sound asleep in her sweat pants, tank top on and John saw it.

Martha had been self harming again. He knew that because he saw the slight trace of blood dried up there on the sheets. Either that or one of her older wounds had burst. John looked to the ceiling for a second, he chewed the corner of his lip and said a silent prayer.

It was awful but John did this on the daily with her. There were times when John worried she was dead there in that bed. But the thing is, no one else knew about this. Only her and John. That was another solid reason why John didn't want James in here.

Explaining this to a four year old wasn't even in question. James didn't need to know and nor did anyone else. Apart from perhaps a therapist.

Martha's self harming had been happening since their mother died three years old and John didn't know how to help. He had tried googling it, researching on how he could help. He tried but it didn't work.

Another thing was that Martha hid it well too. No one suspected but the summers here were murderous for her.

Usually Martha spent the Charleston heatwaves indoors, sat in her bedroom. Then she would sit out back in the yard on the sun loungers and grass. Wrapped up in an oversized cardigan or sweater in during the evening when everyone had gone to bed, when it was cooler, no one would see her scars and she could finally get some fresh air after being sat in all day.

John had threatened to tell their father but Martha begged him in the beginning not to. So John kept quiet. He didn't want to, but he had to because he worried if their father knew then Martha would be tipped over the edge. Further damage may be caused, so it was easier, better and safer for him to not know yet.

"Hey, Marty. Marty you up?" John called softly into her room.

She didn't budge but John saw her toes twitch there peeping out of the duvet. She was awake, she was listening.

John rolls his eyes and he goes over to her. Standing just above Martha, John goes to snatch her sheet off.

"Martha you gotta go to school" John sighed. "Get up, c'mon." Just as he tries to yank it, Martha hugs on to her sheet tighter and it ends up with them both having a tug of war game.

"No, fuck off, John. No." Martha snapped.

John bit his lip.

They never argued, Martha was the only one out of them all he could confide in and the only one except James who he was close to.

"You don't mean that, sis. Look, please. Marty, you can't keep lying in bed. Not another day of this shit. We got the school callin' up and they're getting real sick of this." John told her sternly. "Up, c'mon. Now."

"I don't care" Martha muffled.

"Sis, you've got a whole future -"

"No I ain't" She barked. "There ain't no future!"

John's hands clenched that extra bit tighter on the sheet and they go white at the knuckle. John's eyes practically had flames in them. He was losing his patience, very, very slowly now.

"Why are you constantly like this?! Marty, I know you're goin' through some real dark stuff. I know that. But please, try. Just try for me and when we get home later, we can talk about getting you some counsel -"

"No" She growled. "Just leave me alone! Get out!"

"Why you always so fucking emo with me?! Just get up!" John stressed. "C'mon, do I have to drag you out of bed? Then haul your ass into the shower? I ain't dressing you as well as James, christ!" And he throws down the handful of sheet he had. "I have to do everything in this house! Martha, get up! Seriously, I ain't messing around!"

"Fuck off" Martha snapped and she's finally sitting up, John catches a glimpse of her, Martha looked exhausted. Dark rings around her eyes, sore chapped lips. That's before she's throwing a pillow then a plush bear at his head.

He wasn't even going to ask her what was wrong. He didn't have time for it and with the way he felt, John wouldn't mind going back to his bed and doing the exact same thing as her.

So John dodges them and scoffs. "Oh fuck this. I'm fed up of this every damn morning!"

"Then go!"

"Fine!" John spat.

So John leaves.

* * *

John leaves and just yanks the door closed after him. It wasn't too harsh but just enough to get his point across that he wasn't happy. As he came out of his room he finds Marty there all ready, her hair not even brushed and he was certain her sweater was inside out. Henry had came down from the third floor and he's shoving books into his rucksack.

"You guys arguing again? Is she coming?" Mary asks John and she's kneel down, doing her sneaker laces.

Shrugging, John doesn't even know what to say. He didn't know what Martha was planning on doing.

"Dunno, alright, you two go and wait with Jimmy. I'm just grabbing my bag." John said and he's jogging off to his room quickly. As he did, John could hear them both snicker and say something mean about James. "And don't tease him!" John threw out, annoyed.

John barges into his room, he flickers his eyes to his clock and they're on time. But only just. John grabs his bag off his computer chair and whips his sketchbook off his desk. He's running down the hall and down the stairs to find his siblings.

They're all there waiting for him, John pulls the door open, gets his keys out to unlock the car and tells them to get in. John doesn't bid his father goodbye, well, not that he ever has before anyway. It's out and straight to school.

John's got the door open for James, he puts him in the back first, straps him to his special high chair seat. Henry goes in next to him and Mary takes a seat next to John at the front. After buckling James in, John hurries into the passenger seat. He tosses his bag down at the back by Jame's feet and gets the car going, roaring it into life.

"Y'all got everything?" John called and he's taking off.

"Yeah!" They all cried.

"We got any lunch?" Henry asks.

The nerve. John didn't even reply to that, Henry could starve.

"I'll give you a few bucks when we get there. Alright, time to go." John said. "Seatbelts?"

"We got it!" Mary called.

"Yeah, yeah, step on it" Henry groaned.

John's brow creased up, he let it go through, he tried to ignore Henry's jab and focussed on driving.

Small talk always happened during car journeys. Dumb things usually, mostly James wittering on about 'why was the sky blue?' and 'what's in space?' or 'why is an orange called an orange?'. But James spoke too much to the point where it drove them mad and especially Henry who was always grouchy anyway in the morning. John liked to think Henry took right after their father, hell, the kid was even named after him.

"I wanna watch Blues Clues" James stated. "Blue is so cute! I want a puppy, I want a blue puppy! John can we get one?!"

John chuckled and he's looking at James in the rearview mirror. "Maybe"

Mary giggled too. "We gonna paint it?"

"Mary" John snorted.

James clapped his hands wildly. "Yeah! I wanna get a blue puppy and we can paint with it! I wanna paint a blue puppy now! I'm gonna do it in class n' I'll bring it home for you John!"

Henry leaned back even further in his seat and sighed. "God"

John's smile went wider. "Aw, that's really cute. Awesome, bud. I can't wait!"

Mary laughed behind her hand. "He's crazy"

John gave Mary a look and smirks. "He's only little, you were just like him too, y'know." John whispers. Mary's face dropped.

"Blue puppy! I wanna do a red one too so it has a friend and they're gonna go on a picnic and -"

"Y'know what I wanna do?" Henry cut in and he turns to James with a mean smile. James stares at him blankly with his finger up his nose. Henry snarled at it in disgust. "Gross, ugh. Well, I wanna get the picture you're gonna paint and rip it apart! Shut up! No one cares James and dogs aren't blue!"

"Henry" John snapped. He looks at James in the mirror and sees the way his little shoulders droop. John could feel his blood boil.

"Aw, don't say that Henry. He's so happy!" Mary cried. "Just be nice to him for once! God!"

Henry wasn't though. "Dogs aren't blue! Don't tell him fucking lies! No wonder he's so stupid!"

"Henry" John warned, his eyes dangerous and he meets Henry's gaze in the mirror. "Shut it"

Not that Henry ever did. Mary is rolling her eyes and twirling her hair. Little James remained quiet. John waited.

"He's like five soon! Why are we still treating him like a baby? Dogs aren't blue, that tv show he watches is messing with his brain! We gotta sit there after we get home from school and listen to that crap! And he's always eating, the hell!"

"I am not a baby!" James whines and is looking all cross at Henry.

"You still need John to wipe your ass, of course you're a baby." Henry tells him. "Didn't you shit yourself in class like a month ago and John had to pick you up, change you and wash your underwear? You're a baby."

"Ew, seriously? When did that happen?" Mary asks, looking at both Henry and John. "Oh my god"

"Mary, don't. Please." John crushes the stirring wheel. He wants to beat Henry, that was private. James sat there almost teary eyed not wanting to cry and fidgeting around now. "He had an accident -"

"Stop talking about me!" James cries, his voice breaking. "Shut up!"

Henry crudely erupts into laughter. James tries kicking him but it doesn't work since he can't move much in his seat. Mary is looking at John in panic mode and John looks back at them both, glaring.

"Guys stop -" John hisses. "I'm trying to drive!"

"Then do it" Henry bosses. "And you do know, you've got snot on your hoody? Did James do that? Or Martha? Which one, they're both a damn wreck."

"Leave Martha alone!" Mary says snippily, as she turns around, glaring back at Henry. "She's not well!"

"When is she ever?" Henry rudely replied and crosses his arms.

"You're being an asshole now, shut up." Mary fired.

"Takes one to know one" Henry said back, smirking.

"Dickhead" Mary spat.

"Looking right at it" He chimed.

"Fuck face"

"Hey there fuck face!"

The little banter between them was getting too much and John almost drove into another car. It scared the life out of him, the driver beeps him and John angrily honks back.

"Henry, shut up" John bit back. "Stop goddamn teasing her, maybe if you controlled the shit that came out your mouth, we wouldn't have this every morning. Mary, you too, stop responding to him. He's an idiot, you _know_ this."

Henry then kicked the back of John's seat.

"Who you telling to shut up?" Henry laughed and repeatedly kept kicking the back of his seat.

John's temper was brewing.

Up and up and up.

"Stoppit Henry! You'll get John in trouble! Fucking piss brains!" Mary growls. "We could end up in an accident!"

"It don't even matter, John can't drive anyway -"

That was it.

John felt as if he were possessed in that moment. He whirled around there in the seat, he's giving smug Henry the most withering look he has ever gave anybody in is life. He didn't think of the road in that moment, Mary was looking ahead out front while the three of them quarrelled in the back.

"I swear to god, Henry. You know what, brat. Once I get out this car, I will knock you on your ass, right infront of the school gate for all your damn little lemming followers to see. Seriously, I will!" John roared.

"Fuck you, fag face" Henry scoffed and he holds a finger at John. "Spin on it"

"Guys, stop, will you both just -" Mary butted in.

"I'm so giving you a beatdown" John laughed, sarcastically.

"Hey, John -" Mary said in panic and she's tugging on John's shoulder. "Look out, John!"

"Wait a minute, you'd probably like that, huh?" Henry snickers.

"John!" James squeals.

"Damn shit bag!" John cried and he's trying to slap Henry but just can't quite reach.

"John!" Both Mary and James shouted at the top of their lungs.

This time John did pay attention and he notices just how close he was to a lorry. John pulls back and all of them in the car jilt forwards nearly.

"Fuck, that was -" John murmured.

All of a sudden a car pulled out just infront of them, there was screams of panic among them all and John swiftly got the car out of the way. Luckily he managed to pull over the other side and parked up the sidewalk.

Everyone was panting.

Everyone went silent.

Everyone was still.

John's mouth opened and he closes his eyes, he's trying to regain himself. His heart feels like it's about to fall out of his chest and his stomach was a mangle of ratty knots. The horror, the absolute horror of it all was his reality.

He felt the blood rush to his ears and heartbeat drum through his whole body. John could feel his palms sweat up on the stirring wheel, his breathing did mellow out though as he took big shuddery breaths. In and out.

This was no time for a panic attacks.

Everyone fell silent. It was Mary who broke the ice first and she said, "That was... we almost died"

John felt his body go cold. Now he felt even worse, he had put his siblings lives in danger. He almost got them all killed and for what? Some stupid argument. It was always the arguments, they did this. They broke them up more and more as a family.

Shame creeped up on John and he's looking out at the passing traffic.

He can't believe they had almost crashed.

All because of him.

John's eyes stung and he closes them again just so he can collect himself. He couldn't bare looking them in the eye right now and John could feel them all staring at him.

"Are -" John spoke, softly, his voice quaked as he tried to speak.

Another pitch of silence.

And again, John tried, "Are you all okay?"

More silence.

Mary was the first, once again to speak. "Yeah, I'm okay. Henry is okay and James is -"

John's eyes pinged open at James's name and he looks up at the rearview mirror. He didn't quite have the courage to face them both in the back seat though. James looked fine though but John was going to check over him when they got out the car. Just incase.

"I'm okay" James squeaked.

John's nerves rested for a moment.

Good.

It was all good.

John's hands were too shaky to start up the car again though. He needed a few seconds to himself before trying again. But he was just glad they were all okay.

That was until Henry broke the peace.

"Now see what you just did! You almost got us fucking killed! I told y'all he can't drive and this is proof! He's a shit driver and a stupid ass brother!" Henry burst. "Wait till Dad hears about this!"

"He is not!" James cried. "He is the bestest big brother in the whole wide world! You're the one who's dumb!"

Henry made a 'pfft' sound and snorted out, "Yeah, sure. Right."

"Oh guys, knock it off, it wasn't -"

"It was! He almost crashed the car Maria" Henry droned as he's pointed his hand at her. Mary looked taken aback by the use of her actual name being used for once. Henry meant what he said and that dug in more for John.

"He's a fucking idiot!"

"Henry -" Mary tried.

"No you are!" James shouted and was kicking his legs. "You are! You are!"

"You're four! What the hell do you know about driving -"

And each shout whirled around John's head.

He'd had it.

John shut them up when he slammed both his hands down on the wheel and whammed a fist into the horn. It sets off and quiets everyone in the car. John's heavy breathing filled the silence this time, only his and he's got his head down on it.

Everyone looked at each other worriedly and then back at John's quivering frame.

"I can't take anymore of this! I can't! Y'all screechin', day in and day out. It's always what y'all want, how y'all are feelin' and what y'all are goin' through! But none of y'all ever stop to ask me what I'm goin' through!" John shouted, as he does he repeatedly hits the wheel with everything he had.

All of them looked stunned, fearful even and then their expressions turned glum once he calmed down.

John sat up this time, he's got tears down his cheeks and he's trying to swallow away the heaviness in the back of his mouth so he can get out everything. All the shit he had been harbouring for so long.

"I ain't ever doing enough! I'm tryin' and y'all ain't ever givin' back! Quite frankly, I'm sick of it!" John spat. "So, fuckin' sick of it... I get tired too! I'm tired! I ain't Momma, you guys, I - I ain't her."

"John, we don't think -" Mary says but Henry pulls on her sleeve and shakes his head for her to not bother. John's too far gone.

So she stops, nods and leans back in her seat.

"I just ain't her" John finishes and he leans back at long last. John looked drained, exhausted. Fed up mostly.

They were all probably going to be late but no one said anything and neither any of them cared. This was more important. Henry kept quiet and he's turning to James to make sure he's okay. It was amazing just how quickly Henry could convert from being a prick to a doting older brother. Mary watched them both and then she's leaning over to John, rubbing his shoulder sweetly.

"John" James calls and he reaches for him. Henry is ruffling up James's curls."Are you okay?"

"Yeah, bud. I'm alright." John says sullenly.

He wasn't and even they all knew it was a lie.

Then Mary gives John's shoulder a little pat. "Hey, look, we can hop the bus. John you don't... John?"

"Dude, it's cool. We can get the bus and we'll drop James. No pressure and I won't tell Dad." Henry said, he sounded serious.

"John?" Mary asks again, concern growing in her voice.

James was on the brink of tears.

John inhaled a sharp breath, it hurt when he let it out and he's resting his head back down on the wheel.

He should've kept them all safe and he didn't.

This was on him.

"John? Hey?" Henry moved forward and he's giving John back a shake. "Hey?"

"You okay now? How'd you feel?" Mary asks, cautiously, her dark eyes pinned on John's every move and her hand was shaking itself. 

With another sad, broken sigh. John found the strength to speak and he's wiping is long hair out of his face since some of the strands were stuck to his flushed damp cheek.

"It just feels like -" John stammered.

"Like everything is crashing down"


End file.
